These days, people are generally familiar with FOMO, the fear of missing out. Some have even learned to embrace JOMO, the joy of missing out. But a lesser known (yet related) phenomenon is FOBO.
“FOBO, or fear of a better option, is a psychological condition in which a person is unable to make a decision because they cannot be sure of the best option,” licensed marriage and family therapist Racine Henry told HuffPost. “It causes ‘analysis paralysis’ and could result in a long, drawn out decision-making process that may or may not result in a decision being made.”
Author and venture capitalist Patrick McGinnis coined the term FOBO, in addition to the related FOMO, while he was a student at Harvard Business School in 2004. He broke down the concepts in an article titled “Social Theory at HBS: McGinnis’ Two FOs.”
“From a mental health perspective, FOMO is extremely time consuming, causes you to doubt yourself, causes stress, and ruins core relationships while creating stress in them,” McGinnis told HuffPost. “So it’s extremely damaging.”
We live in a fast-paced, high-tech world where social media breeds endless comparison that makes us feel inferior about our lives and decisions. As a result, people come to fear they will regret our choices and miss out on better opportunities. They struggle to commit and can’t enjoy the present, instead pondering the future and its many potential paths.
FOBO can touch many different aspects of your life, from career choices and living situations to leisurely activities like shopping and dining out.
“Where it may have started with the bigger things, one day, you may realize you’ve been standing in the breakfast cereal aisle, unable to decide which one to pick,” said life coach and entrepreneur Tomas Svitorka. “This indecisiveness can be exhausting, spark a lot of anxiety, and leave you constantly second-guessing yourself, even after you do decide. In a nutshell, FOBO robs you of contentment and ramps up stress by keeping you stuck in limbo.”
So how can we prevent this cycle of anxiety and dissatisfaction? We asked experts for their advice for keeping FOBO at bay.
For starters, acknowledge your FOBO.
“FOBO can creep into corners of your life if you don’t keep it in check,” Svitorka said. “Stay aware of those moments when you’re stuck in indecision over small things like which color running shoes to buy or going through the options in the menu for the 12th time, holding everyone back.”
As with other issues, the first step is acknowledging your problem and naming it.
“The real key to beating FOBO is recognizing it, knowing it’s normal to feel uncertain, and then practicing decision-making strategies,” Svitorka noted. “With time, you’ll gain confidence, make choices faster, and, best of all, actually enjoy those choices without constantly looking over your shoulder for a ‘better’ option.”
Remember that most decisions aren’t permanent.
“Assess risk and reversibility,” Svitorka advised. “Ask yourself, ‘Is this decision permanent, or can I undo it if I realize it was a mistake?’”
You may find you can course-correct more often than you thought. If you wind up disliking your pizza topping choice, you can always opt for a different one next time. If your new job turns out to be a disappointment, apply for others.
“Life is too short to spend hours overthinking the perfect pizza topping,” Svitorka said. “If you can reverse the decision or pick again next time, just go for it, and don’t look back.”
Consider your long-term goals and core values.
“Know your long-term vision,” Svitorka advised. “If you’re juggling multiple options, step back and ask yourself: Which choice best aligns with the life you want in the long run?”
Gaining clarity on your goals will help keep FOBO at bay and help you feel confident in making a decision.
“Sure, it might not seem like the most exciting pick right now, but it can bring deeper fulfillment and a bigger payoff later,” Svitorka said.
Considering your core values is also more helpful than operating under the false expectation that you need to have total certainty that you’re making the “right” decision. Establishing your values can help you feel confident with your decisions down the road.
“It may be that 100% certainty is not realistic, but you can ask yourself, ‘Is this choice in line with my values?’ and ‘Do I feel like my best self with this choice?’” said licensed marriage and family therapist Becky Stuempfig. “Those are more reliable predictors of future satisfaction than attempting to reach 100% certainty.”
Understand that different isn’t always better.
Rather than viewing other options as inherently better, try to recognize them as simply different. And understand that many options are actually quite similar.
“Sometimes, there really isn’t a clear winner,” Svitorka said. “Both choices have enough pros and cons to balance each other out, and no matter which one you pick, you’ll probably still wonder if the other might have been better.”
In the case of a “tie,” just pick the option that aligns best with your long-term goals or follow your gut instinct and commit to it.
“Sometimes, we like other things just because they are different,” Svitorka said. “But different doesn’t always mean better.”
Sample a range of options.
“Yes, there are many choices out there, and they are not all equal, so, sampling out to get a good sense of what’s out there can really help with FOBO,” Svitorka said. “Think of it like pulling random numbers out of a hat. The more numbers you pull out (the more you experience), the better you understand what’s ‘out there.’”
Getting a sense of the range of options can help you feel more confident when you land on something that feels genuinely great.
“If you’re always stuck in your head and never actually try different things, you’ll never know if your option is a 37 in a range of 0-40 or 0-100,000,” Svitorka added. “In practice, try more shoes on, go on more dates, and overall be brave and try new things.”
Accept regret as part of the process.
“Our minds are programmed to drift and consider alternate scenarios and fantasize about what could have been. It’s simply what our minds do,” Stuempfig said. “So if the goal is to make a decision without having regrets, we are setting ourselves up for failure and placing unreasonable expectations on ourselves.”
She recommended instead acknowledging that a small amount of regret is simply part of the decision-making process.
“There will always be a part of our brains that wonders if we made the best choice, and that is simply part of the process, not a reflection of the wrong choice,” Stuempfig said. “We need to accept that as part of the luxury of having options.”
Practice self-compassion.
“Mindfulness tools can be extremely useful to counteract FOBO,” Stuempfig said. “Ultimately, FOBO is a problem of living with fear of possible future regret, and it takes us out of the present moment and into catastrophic future thinking.”
She advised focusing on core aspects of mindfulness like self-compassion and nonjudgmental awareness of our catastrophic wandering thoughts. Remember that any imperfection or disappointment stemming from your decision is not a negative reflection on you.
“Try to remove negative self judgment,” Stuempfig said. “Regret does not mean we made the wrong decision, it simply means the decision was meaningful and likely complicated.”
Resist the urge to crowdsource.
“When I sense that clients are perseverating around making decisions, I notice that there’s often a pattern of crowdsourcing,” said psychotherapist Meg Gitlin. “This is when you ask people around you what they think is the best option, often without much regard for why they are qualified to be giving their opinion.”
She asks her clients to shift their perspective and consider if excessive crowdsourcing is actually an act of anxiety, rather than research or thoughtfulness.
“I don’t disagree with having one or two trusted advisors ― and different people can hold these roles for separate decision-making areas in life ― but I think when people are fearful of better options they tend to project outwards instead of looking inwards,” Gitlin added.
Shift from ‘maximizing’ to ‘satisficing.’
Experts advocate for shifting your mindset from “maximizing” to “satisficing.” Satisficers feel confident making quicker decisions based on what feels good to them.
“‘Maximizers’ by contrast, get caught up in FOBO because they base decisions on choosing the best and seeking perfection as others see it,” Gitlin explained.
She added that maximizers are constantly waiting for “more information” to make a decision, and that this information usually comes in the form of external validation. Rather than asking themselves whether they will enjoy and feel good about a choice long term, they operate out of fear of choosing incorrectly, and are more likely to evaluate their choices based on outside cues like social status and reputation.
“Maximizers report feeling that ‘nothing is ever good enough’ and describe the sensation that the ‘goalpost is always being moved’ along the horizon,” Gitlin said. Meanwhile, satisficers are “more content going with their gut and doing what feels right to them, regardless of whether it’s considered ‘the best.’”
Even if maximizers make objectively better choices, they are less satisfied with those decisions compared to satisficers, who experience less regret and indecision and higher levels of happiness. They also feel more appreciation for what they have and are more resilient when things don’t work out.
Get comfortable eliminating options.
“If you want to avoid feeling FOBO, you have to separate what you want from what you do to try to get it,” McGinnis said. “Specifically, you must avoid the temptation to keep returning, over and over again, to options that you have already eliminated or passed over.”
He emphasized that the act of revisiting the same set of options is toxic. People with FOBO are afraid to eliminate any possible choices and thus want to preserve them all.
“This behavior is the psychological equivalent of endlessly flipping through TV channels to see if something better is on, even if you’re already fine with what you’re watching,” McGinnis said, noting that “you must accept that you cannot have everything and that you must jettison all of your options but one. This is not a painless experience. As you eliminate alternatives, you will suffer the small losses that are a natural byproduct of eliminating possibilities and shutting doors, some of which might be very tempting.”
But unless you are able to cope with these small losses and carry on, you will get stuck in that FOBO cycle of pondering all the options without moving forward.
“That’s why it’s critical to set criteria, compare your options to these criteria and then force yourself to remove one or more, in rounds, in which you do not let them back into the pile of options, until you come to the last,” McGinnis said.
“Sometimes, giving yourself a predetermined rule or condition can zap indecision,” Svitorka added. “For instance, always choose the healthier dish at a restaurant or opt for the slightly cheaper cocktail. This simplifies the menu chaos and aligns with bigger goals like saving money and staying healthy.”
When in doubt, flip a coin.
“When experiencing FOBO, it can be helpful for everyday low-stakes decisions, such as which music to listen to or what to wear, to experiment with leaving these up to fate [by] doing a coin toss,” Stuempfig said. “Or try McGinnis’ strategy of using a watch, assigning the left side of the watch to represent a ‘yes’ decision and the right side to a ‘no,’ and whichever side the second hand lands on, is the decision.”
A coin flip option can also be helpful in revealing your actual feelings and desires.
“Assign heads and tails to your two options, flip, and then note your immediate reaction before you even peek at the result,” he said. “If you find yourself hoping the coin lands on heads, well, that might be your answer right there. Equally, when you see whether it’s heads or tails, pay attention to how you feel. The clue you’re looking for will likely be right there.”
McGinnis offered other third-party approaches that can help clarify your feelings.
“If you need help, enlist others to help you choose or even outsource to a friend, a roll of the dice or ChatGPT,” he said. “If you find it too painful to discard an option, then that’s a sign ― you should choose that one!”