Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 21 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Threatening my wife with a tariff every time there’s hair on the shower wall
— Bad Mikey (@BadMikeyBad) February 9, 2025
My husband, a die hard Chiefs fan since birth, just opened a book and started reading in case you’re wondering how things are going over here.
— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) February 10, 2025
1 sick husband is equal to 26 sick kids. hope this helps.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) February 11, 2025
Husband’s diet seems to be going well pic.twitter.com/AFBgyx6HsS
— kourtney (in hell) (@kourtneyinhell) February 5, 2025
My wife woke me up at 3am by tearing open a package of graham crackers and eating them in bed next to me.
— Opioid Cunningham (@anthracitedub) February 11, 2025
I can calculate how many drinks my husband has had by how many times he tells me I’m pretty
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) February 10, 2025
Just confessed to my husband that I actually do care about Valentine’s Day and I’ve been running a pick-me long con for 16 years pretending I was super chill and didn’t care
— Cartoons Hate Her! (@CartoonsHateHer) February 6, 2025
My wife bought one pallet of Uncrustables for our doomsday bunker. One pallet. I guess she thinks the apocalypse is gonna last two days.
— 𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉𝒍𝒆𝒓 (@MoMohler) February 7, 2025
My husband, not knowing my friend had popped round, came in from work last night and loudly said “Daddy’s home!”
Had to very quickly explain to my friend, after seeing the expression on her face, that my husband wasn’t addressing me, it was actually our dogs he was talking to.
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) February 7, 2025
For Valentine’s Day, I’m gift-wrapping a shirt my husband hasn’t worn in years. It’s the thought that counts—and technically, I thought of it twice.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) February 10, 2025
Me: There’s a treatment to help me perform longer in bed.
Wife: Ugh.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 5, 2025
My husband is out running errands for the afternoon and I am considering having the Super Bowl on when he gets home as a bit.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) February 9, 2025
my husband if he was a donut pic.twitter.com/Hvp367NIbk
— mia (@httpsosweet) February 3, 2025
Every year I remind my husband I don’t understand football, and every year he’s surprised
— meghan (@deloisivete) February 10, 2025
If you’re curious about marriage after 20 years, my husband just texted me from downstairs to tell me he sent me an email.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 11, 2025
Me: Rolled a joint today.
Wife: You promised you would stop smoking that stuff in the house.
Me: It was my ankle.
— Jew in a Canoe ✡️ 🎗️memoir now available! (@WillieHandler) February 10, 2025
Me, gazing at the moon: somewhere out there my soulmate is also staring at the moon
My husband, staring at his feet: what?
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) February 10, 2025
As Valentine’s Day quickly approaches, don’t forget to send your thoughts and prayers to all those husbands out there who have no idea it’s coming up this week.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) February 10, 2025
My husband cleaned the kitchen before I woke up this morning & that’s an awful lot of flirting for a weekday morning.
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) February 7, 2025
My wife is suspicious about me coming to bed early and I’m like “I’m just tired and ready for bed*”
*Playstation network is down.
— Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸 (@mahnamematt) February 8, 2025
Threatening my husband with tariffs every time he says, “tor-till-uh”
— your other mom (@difficultpatty) February 8, 2025