Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Why do the “I need noise to sleep at night” and the “I need absolute silence to sleep” people always marry each other??
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) January 20, 2025
My husband just whispered to me as climbed into bed, “you are the most perfect man I could have ever met, and if you ever set the thermostat to 66 again I will leave you.”
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) January 15, 2025
My wife had a dream that I have a secret second wife named Linda. Now when she’s mad at me I just say “Linda wouldn’t get mad about that.”
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) January 21, 2025
My wife threw away some old shoes and now we have 1,500 extra square feet of living space
— Tony P. (@Tbone7219) January 17, 2025
husband: you need to stop buying so much cheese for our guests
me: yes…for our guests
— meghan (@deloisivete) January 16, 2025
*eating stir fry*
Husband: Where does baby corn come from?
Me: Well, when two corncobs love each other very much…
— Hollie Harris (@allholls) January 18, 2025
I don’t know why my husband thinks he needs to up the amount of exercise he does? He spends ages walking around the supermarket trying to find something that I’ve asked for, instead of just asking.
— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) January 18, 2025
Wife: Are you spreading cake frosting on your Oreos?
Me [spreading cake frosting on my Oreos]: No.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 15, 2025
When my 2 year old throws a tantrum my husband and I now narrate her actions in Werner Herzog voices & it’s kind of hilarious.
— Ashley Winter MD || Urologist (@AshleyGWinter) January 18, 2025
When your wife starts a sentence with “when you get a chance” just go ahead and start putting your shoes on.
She means now.
— Dad Jokes (@Dadsaysjokes) January 15, 2025
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
— Ousa Medusa (@MedusaOusa) January 16, 2025
6yo: You’re going over the speed limit.
Husband: When did you become a little narc?
— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) January 14, 2025
We’re watching a movie where someone is complimented on their feet so my husband just googled “what are good feet” and the he mumbled “wait. I don’t want to have googled that.”
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) January 18, 2025
I want to tell my wife she’s not cracking eggs the right way but I don’t know how to break it to her.
— Charlie Alzamora (@chalzamora) January 16, 2025
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
— meghan (@deloisivete) January 20, 2025
Last night me and my husband yawned at exactly the same time. And who says romance is dead.
— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) January 17, 2025
Discussing the end of TikTok and I explained about the possibility of Mr. Wonderful and maybe Mr. Beast saving it and my husband looked at me with utter confusion and said, “I would ask who those people are but honestly I don’t have the energy or desire to listen to the answer.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) January 14, 2025
husband: help me choose a baby name.
me: ok, but shouldn’t we go with an adult one?
— NurseBrianRN (@rn_murse) January 20, 2025
waiting for my wife to approve my new year’s resolution of making independent decisions
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) January 14, 2025
My wife was shaking the martini shaker when it exploded all over her.
Me: Well, I always said you were hot and dirty.
Wife [dripping in martini]: Not the time.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 14, 2025