Harry and Meghan reached new levels of delusion (Image: Getty)
RICHARD: I am only surprised that, in trigger-happy America, orders have not gone out to the National Guard in deserted, fire-threatened LA neighbourhoods to shoot looters dead on sight. Perhaps that might even have happened by the time you read this.
There have been unconfirmed reports of looters dressed up as firemen ransacking abandoned houses, apartments and shops. While not remotely condoning gun law, I can’t imagine there’d be many tears shed for anyone dropped by a guardsman’s bullet mid-pillage.
There have been surprises amidst the flames and smoke. Not least Harry and Meghan’s response. At first, I thought that their delusional qualities had pushed new boundaries. Safe from the fires ravaging Los Angeles, miles from their 16-bed Montecito mansion, the couple felt obliged to post a public message. As statements of the obvious went, it was hard to beat.
“In the last few days, wildfires have raged through neighbourhoods and devasted families, affecting thousands from all walks of life.”
NO! Say it ain’t so! We had NO IDEA! Not a word in the papers or on the telly! Thanks for keeping us in the picture, guys! Without you, we’d never have known!
On it droned. “If you feel compelled to help, here are some ideas. If a friend, loved one, or pet has had to evacuate and you are able to offer them a safe haven in your home, please do. Be sure to check in with any disabled or elderly neighbours to see if they need help evacuating.
“Some people have been left with nothing. Please consider donating clothing, toys and essentials.”
And so on and so forth.
Now, my first reaction was: who do this pair think they are? Clearly, some sort of ersatz royalty, issuing regal instructions to a humble, grateful populace. Why would the good people of California need Harry and Meghan (of all people!) to instruct them on how to behave in a crisis? You could just picture the scene, couldn’t you? An LA family, reading the dispatch, turning to each other in dawning realisation.
“Omigawd! Why didn’t WE think of that? Gawdblessyou, Harry and Meghan, for showing us the way!
“Honey, clear out the spare room! We’ve got company a-comin’!”
But in fact, the Markles have been putting their money where their mouths are.
They opened up their Montecito home to welcome friends, family and loved ones forced out by the fire.
Meanwhile, the Duchess of Sussex cancelled the premiere of her much-trailed lifestyle and cooking series on – With Love, Meghan – pushing the launch date back all the way to March. The couple have also been making impromptu visits to evacuation sites.
They were at, amongst others, the camp in Pasadena where the World Central Kitchen are distributing food and emergency supplies to families driven out by the Eaton Fire.
According to reports they have also donated to the relief efforts via their Archewell Foundation charity.
Generous is as generous does. A double thumbs-up to both of them.
JUDY: I always thought that spiders in this country were harmless – well, apart from the way they look when a really big one scampers out from under the sofa and legs it across the carpet, eight knees pumping up and down like mini-pistons. You have to be a real spider-lover not to instinctively recoil from that.
But no. There are no less than 10 species with fangs and jaws strong enough to penetrate human skin and this week one of the most poisonous was reported to be on the increase.
It’s something called “the noble false widow”. I have no idea what the noble part refers to, but the false widow bit is because it looks alarmingly like the deadly black widow, which can kill you with a mere nibble. Luckily there aren’t any here.
Plenty of false widows, though. They came to the UK in bananas from the Canary Islands 200 years ago, and now there are lots.
Almost 100 people went to hospital with suspected false widow bites last year – that’s more than suspected snake bites.
They’re not meant to be much worse than a wasp sting. Hmm. That’s hardly comforting. When did you last hear someone say: “Oh, it’s OK – It’s only a wasp I’ve been stung by”?
JUDY: Why all the shock-horror at this week’s “news” that at least a third of women over the age of 65 “only” wash their hair once a week? I’m sure it’s generational.
When I was growing up, Friday night was hair-wash night in our house in Manchester. Richard tells me that Sunday was the designated day in Romford when his mother reached for the shampoo and everyone in his family got a ducking.
Even now, more than a fifth of women say they only wash their hair once a week.
One reason might be the enduring belief that washing hair too often makes it greasy. Nonsense. Dirt and grease make it greasy. Not soap and water.
John Lennon has a less-than-smooth meeting with Sir Laurence Olivier (Image: Getty)
RICHARD: Once upon a time John Lennon met with Sir Laurence Olivier.
Things did not go well. The Beatle quoted some poetry he’d written, mimicking Wordsworth’s “I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud”; the actor was unimpressed. After Lennon had gone, Olivier turned with a patronising smile to others still in the room. “You mean to tell me that a BEATLE has heard of WORDSWORTH!?”
Next moment he clapped one hand to his forehead.
“Help me, someone… help me! I have fallen into the generation gap!”
I thought “the generation gap” was a thing of the past until I read my Daily Express this week. Turns out it’s alive and kicking, only now it’s a technological valley that divides 20-somethings from you and me. So-called Generation Z don’t know how to change a lightbulb. Or a plug’s fuse. Or change a wheel, or even put air in the tyre.
RICHARD: A new year, a new trigger warning. This one comes from the Royal Shakespeare Company’s staging of The Red Shoes, based on the fairy tale by Hans Christian Andersen.
With almost wearisome predictability, the RSC is solemnly warning audiences about loud music, stage blood, derogatory language and “grief and cruelty”
(as I’m sure you know, the dancer who wears the enchanted red ballet shoes cannot remove them, can’t stop dancing, and eventually is driven to chop off her own feet).
But that’s the story – it’s a morality tale about pride and vanity! Someone PLEASE make these STUPID trigger warnings STOP!
They’re the GOTDITs – Get Others To Do It – according to Halfords, who report DIY skills among under-30s are evaporating.
But, er, they DO know how to fix our wi-fi and sort our smartphones for us, don’t they? So careful you don’t “do an Olivier”. You could be grovelling for the kids’ hi-tech help today.