The leather adorning the XB7’s steering wheel is so intoxicatingly distracting that it took me three days to even notice the engine
Despite what you’re about to read on these pages, I will profess that I am no kinkster. You’ll find no secret cache of pornography on my laptop. No full-sized rabbit suit — with (in)appropriate portals hanging in my closet. Not even a rubber chicken in that hidden drawer in the nightstand. Oh, I do have a rubber ducky, but it has no vibrating parts, never exits the tub and only sees human contact on those rare occasions when I bath rather than shower. So, nothing seriously kinky to be seen. Not now. Not ever.
That all said, I think the leather adorning the XB7’s steering wheel is positively intoxicating. As in, so delicious to the touch that I couldn’t stop, er, rubbing it. BMW’s Alpina division — it used to be a separate company, but was brought in-house two years ago — calls it “Lavalino.” I call it “distracting.”
Unfortunately, the only feedback I was getting had nothing to do with clipping apexes or managing oversteer. I found myself — and remember, not a kinkster — constantly rubbing my hands all over those little bumps, savouring their creamy softness and—well, you, whether you like it or not, are getting the correct picture. The full frottage. A paraphilia that bordered on persistent, if you want to get technical.
I mean, who knew the palm of your hand could be an erogenous zone? That caressing something as innocuous as a steering wheel could be so sensuous. Are thumb-gasms a thing? Will there eventually be some deep, dark, secret sub-reddit devoted to finger fetishes?
This, as I said, needs to be banned. Too addictive. Too distracting. Too much, well, of everything we’re not supposed to do while in control of an automobile. Deem it whatever poison you must in order to pass rules — where’s the Insurance Institute for Highway safety when you need them? — leather this soft has no place on a steering wheel. Cell phones, clunky infotainment system, or even screaming kids in the back may provide periodic distraction, but you are, by all that is holy and legal, supposed to have your hands on the wheel at all times without distraction.
Said fetish of steering wheel was so distracting that it took me three days to even notice the engine.
What powers the BMW Alpina XB7?
You know, the kind of twice-turbocharged V8— now with 48-volt mild hybridization — that all the EV wonks who read my Motor Mouth column claim I am addicted to. I barely bothered with its 631 horsepower; hadn’t thought about its 590 pound-feet of torque; and, most damning of all, didn’t even attempt a single one of the 4.2-second sprints to 100 kilometres an hour that BMW claims the XB7 is capable of.
I hardly listened to its throaty internal syncopation, despite that usually being a car’s main attraction. Hell, I really only put pedal to metal when it came time to return the XB7 to BMW Canada and thought, “oh, shit, I can’t write the whole story about the freaky steering wheel.” People will think I’m, like, weird.
And so, if Alpina can be coerced into rendering its leather just a little less obscenely velveteen, what you would notice is the best of BMW’s great honking twin-turbo 4.4L pushing 2,515 kilograms of steel, aluminum, and, yes, leather, around like it’s a kid’s toy. Alpina’s reworking of those two twin-scroll turbos means there’s tons of power up top, the mild-hybridization helps alleviate any turbo lag and the creamy smoothness that is all BMW engines — at least those with more than four pistons — is present and accounted for. Not that you’ll notice unless you stop fondling the steering wheel. I took to wearing gloves. You know, so I couldn’t be accused of distracted driving.
The handling is likewise lively. I didn’t get much chance to really flog the XB7 — besides all the dry humping of steering wheel, my allotted time in the $175,000 Alpina ($195,900 by the time BMW Canada loaded it up with options) coincided with Toronto’s first snowfall — but it definitely holds the road.
The 295/45ZR41 Pirellis may have been a Sottozero winter tire, but their grip on cold pavement was fantastic. Alpina will also sell you some forged 23-inchers — 285/35ZR23 up front, and 325/30ZR23 in the rear Pirellis — that are, the company promises, three kilos lighter each than cast wheels, which should make the steering feel lighter.
The key to the XB7’s ability to disguise its heftiness, however, is its rear-wheel steering system, which can turn the rear wheels up to 2.3 degrees in either direction. It really does make the 5,171-mm long XB7 feel like a smaller car, BMW even stating the resultant change in suspension geometry — more negative camber — also enhances agility. Despite driving like a smaller car, the XB remains as stable as the Appalachian Shield, an especially important criteria if, for some reason, you’re trying to not wake the toddler in the third row at the XB’s 290-kilometre-an-hour (180-mph) top speed.
The penalty for all this wonderful BMW-ness is a stiffer ride than one expects from a people-hauler, no matter how expensive or powerful. Like all SUVs that suffer from an elevated centre of gravity and way too much avoirdupois (again, 2,515 kilograms of curb weight) your main weapon against a roly-poly ride is stiffer suspension than an equivalent (that should be read “lower”) sedan or coupe might need for the same roll resistance.
Alpine tries to get around this by offering a suspension-lowering system toggled by a switch in the centre console. It takes the big XB down some 40.6 millimetres, which, of course, helps handling significantly, but the suspension is still too stiff for something that will indeed be used for people moving.
BMW X7 or Alpina XB7?
A word of advice, then, for those both thinking of buying an XB7. If you really are going to use the big BMW as a minivan alternative — the XB7, like the X7 it’s based on, offers three rows of seats — opt for the lesser X7. Yes, it’s slower, but that just means the kids are less likely to regurgitate their Froot Loops all over, well, that supremely supple leather I keep raving about. If you’re selling XB7s — i.e. you’re a division head at BMW Canada — get Alpina to ditch the third row of seats. Something this fast and this stiff is far too compromised to be ferrying kidlets to school.
Interior features in the BMW Alpina XB7
As for the interior, well, didn’t I cover that? Oh, my ode to leather didn’t suffice? Okay, here’s the gist of it. Most of the XB7’s interior is pure BMW. Oh, the leather is upgraded — the seats’ clothes are called Tartufo Full Merino — and there’s a bunch of badging and trim bits. Otherwise, it’s pretty much standard XB7.
The second thing to note is the infotainment is pure BMW. On the one hand, it’s one of the very best for scrolling through music channels. As long as you’re in “music” mode, you can instantly flip through radio stations with alacrity. And, since each “tile” exhibits the channel number, the group and the song name, you have all the information handy to get right to your favourite songs.
As an inveterate channel-hopper, I wholeheartedly recommend BMW’s latest infotainment interface. In other words, if you still prefer to “curate” your own song list rather than simply using Spotify, iDrive is the bee’s knees.
On the other hand, it’s not nearly as good as, say, anything by Stellantis, for Bluetoothing of phone. Hooking up can be a little touchy, and there are a number of steps in the process that I’d hazard only make sense to a German computer engineer. You know, the guy that likes everything in series of collapsing submenus, insists that everything be delineated in specific folders and is all resolutely logical, but is still a major pain in the you-know what.
Other unique points include individual controls for each row’s HVAC system, a real handy remote engine-starting system, and that the big XB can both park itself and help you reverse a trailer into a tight parking spot.
It gets even tricker: the Maneuver Assistant can store up to 10 different parking procedures and take over parking at the appropriate time. I didn’t use the system — I’m loathe to turn over control of $200,000 cars I don’t own to automated driving. I don’t do it on the highway where I might get hurt, nor in tight parking spots where I might be on the hook for (very expensive) body panels.
Final thoughts
Trick parking tricks are, of course, not why you buy a $200,000 Alpina, especially when a standard $70,000-cheaper X7 does such a good job at being a luxury ute. You might buy it for those 631 horses. Or it might be the better-than-BMW handling. It might even be the way-nifty ride-height-adjustable suspension. But every (semi-)bespoke car requires a signature feature. Sometimes it’s a fancy Swiss timepiece, front and centre in the dashboard. Others have a signature sound system (like a B&O system). The Alpina has leather. And I was not joking even a little bit when I said I couldn’t take my hands off of it.
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