Donald Trump joked about Canada becoming the 51st state during his dinner with Prime Minister Justin Trudeau at Mar-a-Lago last month
U.S. President-elect Donald Trump apparently joked about Canada becoming the 51st state during his dinner with Prime Minister Justin Trudeau at Mar-a-Lago last month. — from CBC News, Dec. 10.
Sixteen reasons why the U.S. should become Canada’s 11th province:
• Because Canada isn’t led by a convicted felon.
• Because the only thing in maple syrup is maple syrup, as opposed to high-fructose corn syrup, water, cellulose gum, salt, caramel colour, sorbic acid, sodium benzoate, sodium citrate and artificial flavours, which Americans call “pancake syrup” — although in a pinch it can be used as transmission fluid.
• Because the scandal-ridden U.S. Supreme Court has members on it who appear to be uniquely unqualified to judge conflicts-of-interest, women’s rights or ethical conduct. According to most recent polls, the court’s reputation has sunk to historical lows, with a majority of Americans unhappy with its performance. Meanwhile, the only thing scandalous about Canada’s Supreme Court is … wait, what? Canada has a Supreme Court?
• Because Saturday Night Live has never been, or ever will be, as funny as SCTV or Kids In The Hall.
• Because as of 2022, life expectancy in Canada was 81.3 years, while life expectancy in the U.S. was 77.43 years. Scientists believe this discrepancy was due, in large part, to the consumption of pancake syrup.
• According to the U.S. non-profit Prison Policy Initiative, the U.S. has the highest incarceration rate of any democracy in the world. In fact, every single U.S. state incarcerates more people per capita than all but 28 other nations on earth. Louisiana has the highest rate of incarceration at 1,067 inmates per 100,000 population, while Massachusetts has the lowest rate at 241 inmates per 100,000 population. Canada’s is 88 inmates per 100,000 population.
• Because while thousands of Canadians were dying on the battlefields of Europe and Asia during the Second World War, the U.S. remained neutral for the next two years, unable or unwilling to recognize the threat that fascists posed to the world. Apparently, Americans are still unable to recognize that threat, especially the one at home.
• Because the United States has transformed the longest undefended border in the world into a bullshit political talking point in which trade, transgressions and blame flow only one way. If President-elect Donald Trump is upset by fentanyl going southward — despite the fact that the amount of fentanyl going into the U.S. from Canada is so small his own U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration characterizes it as “slippage” — why does he not show the same concerns for illegal firearms going northward? If, as he sees it, a trade imbalance exists in Canada’s favour, why is he resorting to inflationary tariffs on Canadian goods rather than recognizing and addressing the real reason for that trade imbalance — namely his constituents’ insatiable appetites and need for Canadian oil, gas, electrical power, automobiles, rare minerals, gold, lumber, etc.?
• As of mid-December, according to CNN, there have been at least 83 school shootings in the U.S. in 2024, which left 38 people dead and at least 115 people physically injured. How many people were left permanently traumatized by those shootings was not reported. While the U.S. government does not track these attacks, The Washington Post was able to document at least 426 school shootings since the infamous 1999 massacre at Columbine High School in Colorado. At least 215 children and teachers died in those attacks. America’s response to end this carnage? More guns. As of last count, at least 25 U.S. states allow schools or school districts to give permission to “individuals” to carry guns on school property. Twenty states already allow school security personnel to carry guns, while nine states have enacted policies allowing school employees other than security personnel to carry guns on school property.
• Because Americans insist on killing themselves due to a perverse love of guns. Americans make up four per cent of the world’s population but own just under 50 per cent of the entire global stock of civilian firearms. American civilians own approximately 400 million guns, more than those held by the other top 25 countries combined. The U.S. Constitution enshrined the right of people “to keep and bear arms” in a militia — an anachronism Americans still embrace with deadly enthusiasm. Since 2014, the number of related gun deaths have surpassed 39,000 a year, and have topped 50,000 deaths a year several times. Firearms have become the leading cause of death for children ages one to 17, and disproportionately increase rates of violence among the poor and people of colour.
• Because even the American anthem glorifies war and violence. Rockets’ red glare? Bombs bursting in air? Words to die by. The Canadian anthem? The only thing remotely incendiary are glowing hearts.
• Because the American ethos of unbridled egotism, consumerism and capitalism is given licence in the aptly named Declaration of Independence, where it is enshrined as “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” — which could double as the catchphrase for Eat, Pray, Love. The Canadian ethos, on the other hand, is stated in our constitution as “peace, order and good government” — which is undeniably duller and less inspiring, but then it has been the guiding principle in developing a civil society in which we don’t feel the need to arm our teachers.
• Because one has to wonder why, in 2023, the U.S. spent $916 billion on its military, or more than the next nine countries combined. Possibly, this may have to do with the fact that, since its inception, the U.S. has been involved in 115 military conflicts. Baseball is not America’s national pastime.
• Because abortion was made legal in Canada in 1969 under certain circumstances, and became legal throughout the country in 1988, while in the U.S., the Supreme Court (see “uniquely unqualified” above) overturned previous legal decisions protecting abortion rights, thus boldly going back to a patriarchal past where women are second-class citizens without the right to make decisions about their own bodies while men are still free to procreate without regard to legal, financial or moral responsibility.
• Because it’s called North America, not “Amerika.”
• Because America has chosen to alienate its closest friend and ally in the world. Make that America’s last remaining friend in the world.