I came to motherhood rather late in life, just shy of my 45th birthday. Five years later, I’m now a 50-year-old mother to my curious, funny, creative 5-year-old daughter, Daya. The past five years have gone by in a flash, giving credence to the keen observation about parenting that the “days are long, but the years are short.”
Since the COVID pandemic arrived when Daya was just 4 months old, the first few years of her childhood were devoid of in-person social moments like playdates and children’s birthday parties. I remember celebrating her Mukhe Baat, a Hindu ceremony marking a child’s first rice feeding, via Zoom.
So, I’ve relished the return of celebrating birthdays with all their fun trappings — games, birthday cake, party favors and of course, gifts. Whenever my daughter receives an invitation to celebrate a friend’s birthday, I feel a tinge of excitement on her behalf. But, I’ve been shocked to receive a few invitations that included this note: “Please no gifts.” While I’ve seen requests like this from a few adult friends celebrating their birthday or wedding, a child’s birthday without gifts feels like a half-filled balloon.
As a parent, I feel torn. In general, I respect parents who have different parenting philosophies especially because I believe they have their children’s best interests at heart. However, on a personal level, I feel like a child’s birthday should be about the child’s wishes and not those of the parents. And I have never encountered a child who didn’t relish receiving presents on their big day or savor the chance to tear open colorful wrapped packages, wondering what delight lies within.
A few months ago, Daya received an invitation to a friend’s birthday party. I asked her what her friend loves and she exclaimed, “He loves trucks!” So, we picked out a truck and wrapped it up and she made a card, drawing herself and her friend playing together in the park. The day of the party arrived and I looked at the invitation to check the timing and location only to realize I had missed a note stating “no gifts please.” I was in a quandary — I wanted to give the gift we had bought specifically for her friend but I also didn’t want Daya to pay the price of ruffling feathers. I decided to go against my own beliefs and honor their request. A little while later, my babysitter, who had brought my daughter to the party, texted me from the park where the party was taking place to tell me that some of the other kids had brought gifts.
I grabbed the present, jumped in my car and drove over to the park to hand-deliver it. I couldn’t wait to see her friend’s face when he received it. But when I got there, I saw his father and momentarily wondered if he would be offended, given their explicit request for no presents. The birthday boy, my daughter and his friends were all playing together. I walked up to the child’s father and said, “I know you requested no presents, but we bought him a small present. I hope that’s OK.”
In truth, there was not much his dad could say because the little boy spied the present right away and took it from my hands, then proceeded to rip the wrapping paper from it. “A dump truck!” he exclaimed and immediately began pushing it along the playground mulch, with his friends joining in. His joy was infectious and I smiled a bit guiltily. Thankfully, his dad returned my smile. It could’ve been a much more awkward or tense situation if his parents had wanted to toe the line. But it’s a risk I’m willing to take.
Perhaps I care so deeply about kids getting to celebrate their birthdays with presents because I wasn’t allowed to have birthday presents, or rather, keep them. When I received presents during my birthday parties, my parents would tuck most of them away onto a high shelf in a basement closet, supposedly for safekeeping. But I started to notice the presents we gave to my friends seemed eerily similar to the ones I had received. Slowly, I realized my parents had been giving away my presents to be frugal and save themselves the inconvenience of shopping. Birthday parties lost some of their fun as I watched other kids open and enjoy the presents meant for me. However, being a precocious child, I figured out that rather than just unwrapping the presents I would open the packaging itself, making it impossible for my parents to give them away.
I understand there might be legitimate reasons for parents to make a “no gifts please” request, including:
- not wanting their children to associate birthdays with the accumulation of material possessions
- having concerns that so many plastic toys will end up in landfills
- worrying about how toys contribute to clutter, taking up precious space
In truth, if parents articulated these or other concerns, I would find a way to comply and celebrate their child with a meaningful gift that fits within their boundaries and priorities.
Birthdays are not about presents. But presents, even the smallest ones, bring our children joy — a chance to be surprised, to discover new things, to be celebrated. Childhood goes so quickly. We should take every opportunity to mark these precious milestones with memorable gifts, which serve as invaluable time capsules capturing a child’s current favorite hobby or most beloved character.