Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Every day I’m thankful my wife has terrible taste in men.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 22, 2024
He was rare, like a man who happily put up Christmas lights for his wife.
— Darla (@ddsmidt) November 25, 2024
Thanksgiving: The day I take two bites of stuffing before my mom says, “While you’re here, can you take a look at my computer?” Thankfully, I married a developer—he’s now the designated tech support.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) November 22, 2024
My husband is really stressed about which book we are supposed to read to our baby, who is nine weeks old and can’t quite lift his head up.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) November 24, 2024
Do I care which way the toilet paper goes? No. Do I 100% put it on “backwards” when my husband is being annoying? Yes.
It’s the little things.— your other mom (@difficultpatty) November 23, 2024
Wife: you need to get more fruits and veggies in
Me: yeah I’m eating an apple right now
Wife: that’s an apple cider donut
Me: yeah APPLE
— N.J. Gallegos is Dr. Spooky 👻💉💊 (@DrSpooky_ER) November 19, 2024
Husband: *tells terrible joke*
Me: *sighs deeply*
Husband: *Laughs like a lunatic*
— Bird Eckler (@Birdeckler) November 23, 2024
My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.— єℓαιηє (@elainesim28) November 21, 2024
6yo: What does hollow mean?
My wife: It means something is empty on the inside…….like daddy’s head.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) November 19, 2024
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 20, 2024
I never imagined that one day my spouse might yell from the other room “can you help me? He just threw up.” And I would be able to respond, “which one?” Because there are three reasonable options.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) November 21, 2024
It seems the police will not take it seriously that my wife won’t stop texting while I’m grocery shopping to add stuff to the list.
— Jew in a Canoe ✡️ memoir now available! (@WillieHandler) November 23, 2024
I’m watching a Hallmark Christmas movie with my wife so spare me your sob story
— Tony P. (@Tbone7219) November 21, 2024
A person at my husband’s work found me on Facebook and asked him why is your wife hugging a wax figure on her pfp he responded with:
That’s not a wax figure that’s Jensen Ackles he’s just so perfect he looks like wax. 😭💀
— Tiffy🪽 (@Tiffy_Craig) November 20, 2024
I said there’s nothing to do today except relax and suddenly I’m being bossed around on a ladder being told the Christmas wreath is still not centered on the “effing window”. send help.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) November 24, 2024
My wife is canning food so our kids can throw it on the floor a few years from now instead of today
— Joel Jeffrey (@joeljeffrey) November 20, 2024
We have a flight that boards at 6:25 am in the morning. We are 90 miles away from the airport. For the umpteenth time will someone tell my husband what time we have to leave.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) November 21, 2024
No one:
My husband: why don’t poems rhyme anymore
— meghan (@deloisivete) November 21, 2024
Wife: OMG are you eating blueberry pie filling straight out of a can?!?
Me [eating blueberry pie filling straight out of a can]: no
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 25, 2024
My husband’s gradual hair colour shampoo is definitely working. All of our towels are gradually going the same colour.
— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) November 24, 2024