Even if you haven’t seen “The Bear,” you probably saw something about “Fishes,” the sixth episode of the second season, wherein the Berzatto family holds a chaotic and tense traditional Italian Christmas Eve, celebrating the Feast of the Seven Fishes. Donna, the family matriarch (played by Jamie Lee Curtis), spends much of the episode in the kitchen, preparing the full feast and largely rejecting help while cooking timers go off in all directions and members of the extended family yell at each other and the TV. By the end of the episode, Donna has a full meltdown (which we should note was also fueled by drinking), lashing out at the rest of the table, even as they attempt to offer their support and appreciation. But first, she confides in her youngest son: “I make things beautiful for them, and no one makes things beautiful for me.”
It’s no secret that the “most wonderful time of the year” isn’t wonderful for everyone. We see relatives with whom we might have strained relationships. We might be tempted to compare our homes, families and celebrations to those that others are posting on social media. And if we’re the ones hosting, we often have to knock out a massive to-do list, all while continuing to balance the responsibilities of daily life. It’s little wonder that holiday hosts can end up physically and emotionally exhausted, and maybe even a little resentful.
Part of the fascination with that episode of “The Bear” likely had to do with the fact that many of us can see ourselves in some part of that family scene: the matriarch who wore herself thin cooking all day, only to feel unappreciated, or one of the relatives whose attempt to show appreciation or help backfires, only resulting in greater ire. You don’t need to come from a family that’s as emotionally volatile as the Berzattos to relate, at least a little bit, to holiday tension.
“So many individuals can easily get caught up in the unrealistic expectations that they must host the ‘perfect’ holiday event,” said Courtney DeAngelis, a psychologist at NewYork-Presbyterian/Columbia University Irving Medical Center. “This perfectionistic line of thinking creates standards that are impossible to achieve, and incredibly stressful to strive toward.”
For many, this comes from a sense of obligation — a host might feel personally responsible for making the holidays wonderful for everyone else, even at the expense of their own time and well-being. And while any host can feel this sort of pressure, there is a marked pattern of holiday responsibilities falling on women in particular.
How it hits women particularly hard
Sarah Rossi, a cookbook author and recipe developer behind the family food blog Taming Twins, can speak to seeing other women strain under the pressure of the holidays.
“Every year, I receive hundreds of messages on Instagram and by email, recounting the huge pressure of cooking for the festive season,” Rossi said. “My experience is anecdotal of course, but I have never, ever received a message from anyone who wasn’t female sharing this same pressure.”
The majority of American families today have two working parents, and yet studies show repeatedly that even when men and women contribute about equally in terms of paid work, domestic responsibilities end up falling disproportionately on the woman. Holiday hosting involves administrative duties like planning, inviting and budgeting, as well as shopping, and typically a lot of housework as well, especially cooking and cleaning. If there are kids in the equation, she might end up handling child care, too. All of these are jobs that fall to women more often than not, which means that many are expected (by themselves or others) to carry out the bulk of the household and emotional labor, all while managing day-to-day necessities as well.
“I spend a lot of time wondering how we got to this point, as I really don’t think the domestic load falling to women at this time of year is just down to abilities in the kitchen,” Rossi said. “I think part of it has to be the notion of domestic perfection that the patriarchy has fed to women for hundreds of years.”
Certainly, some men who are married to women have genuinely sexist, retrogressive ideas about household labor and family roles. But generally speaking, people don’t want the people they love to feel stressed out, overworked and unappreciated. These days many couples strive for an equal balance, even if it doesn’t end up that way in practice. Divvying responsibilities in advance can help prevent any one person’s workload from climbing out of control.
A little strategizing can go a long way
Liz Della Croce, a mom of two and recipe blogger behind The Lemon Bowl, says that the division of labor between her and her husband over the holidays is about 50/50, “which is huge.” For them, it’s a matter of being intentional and determining in advance who’s taking on which jobs.
“For example, I plan the menu and write the grocery list and he does the shopping. Then, I prepare and cook the meals but he does the dishes,” Della Croce said. She has the kids help out in age-appropriate ways, too, like taking out the trash or sweeping the kitchen floor.
Rossi also recommends careful planning as a way to help ease holiday stress. For the last few years, she’s published a full guide to preparing a Christmas Day feast, down to the hour.
“My hope is that having a written plan for how to prep ahead releases the pressure on families and gives them an opportunity to talk about sharing the load, rather than it defaulting to one person,” Rossi said.
There are other pressures, too
But apart from gendered expectations, there are other reasons a host might feel a sense of obligation, too, like preserving cultural traditions.
“There is always a lot of pressure hosting the holidays, especially when you’re accommodating the needs and expectations of multiple generations, various cultures, new members of the family and more,” said Della Croce, whose recipe blog is largely centered around her Lebanese, Syrian and Jewish heritage.
“The older women in my family have very high expectations of the meals I prepare, especially the Syrian dishes of our ancestors. I would be lying if I said I always got raving reviews from the older matriarchs, but I try not to take it personally,” Della Croce said.
Most, if not all, hosts would likely say that they take on the responsibilities of the holidays because of their deep and genuine love for their families, friends, cultures and traditions. But a sense of obligation borne out of love is still a sense of obligation. It can be difficult to find enjoyment in things that we feel like we have to do, rather than just want to do, and straining oneself for the sake of others can easily lead to feelings of resentment.
Whatever your reason may be for taking on the holiday grind, DeAngelis urges stressed-out hosts to reframe their approach to the season.
“Keep in mind that there is a difference between wanting to keep a holiday tradition alive and needing to carry out a tradition. It is never one individual’s responsibility to maintain, recreate or replicate a family tradition,” DeAngelis said.
How to recruit help before it’s too late
Much of the pressure that hosts feel can be self-inflicted — DeAngelis names “If I don’t host, no one will” and “If my parents could do it, I should be able to as well” as common kinds of self-talk that are prone to spike your anxiety. While you probably can’t just take a deep breath and shake off all the stresses of the holidays, DeAngelis recommends reframing your thinking to make it less about things you have to do and more about acting in line with your values.
“If you value spending time with family, then perhaps you can first calmly remind yourself, ‘I’m grateful that I get the opportunity to bring everyone together.’ Then, remind yourself that you deserve to get help and support from those who also want to enjoy the day with you, and enter problem solving mode to recruit said help,” DeAngelis said.
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People generally want to be helpful but don’t always know how — and even delegating tasks is a kind of work. For this reason, DeAngelis suggests dividing “the mental load” by proactively jumping in and recruiting others, such as by starting a group text or email chain to ask the host how you can help, or telling the other guests what you’re planning on bringing and giving them the opportunity to sign up to bring dishes themselves, potluck-style.
“This can make life easier for hosts who might feel uncomfortable directly asking for help,” DeAngelis said.
If you’re a guest and your host insists she doesn’t need help with cooking, cleaning, child care or other day-of duties, you can be supportive by finding other ways to help out or show your appreciation.
If you’re the one hosting, one of the biggest shifts you can make is just offering yourself some grace. Chances are, no one’s holiday is going to be ruined if there are only six different fish dishes instead of seven, if the napkins are Easter-themed because that’s what you had on hand or if one of the kids gets a food stain on their fancy clothes.
“I hope the answer is not only to share the load of the to-do list, but also to find a way to be a little kinder to ourselves and not need to focus on perfection,” Rossi says, “but to remember why we are all gathering together in the first place (and it’s not for the stuffing!)”