Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Thinking about throwing away some screws my husband has had sitting on our counter for 6 months
— Taylor Schumann (@taylorsschumann) October 6, 2024
oh your husband’s a lawyer? well my husband is the head coach of an imaginary football team four months out of every year
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) October 3, 2024
FYI telling your wife she seems grumpy does not help the situation.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 5, 2024
I’ve been married so long that when I commented to my MIL about how something my husband did was her fault for raising him that way, she responded with: he’s lived with you for longer. I was not prepared for this
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) October 7, 2024
My husband told me not to worry about doing any housework today and he would take care of it since I’m not feeling well.
Is this sex?
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) October 5, 2024
My husband’s parents are coming to town today and I genuinely don’t know if it’s more to see the dogs or meet the baby.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) October 4, 2024
One of my favorite songs is “Ain’t No Sunshine” by Bill Withers, and I tell my wife that every time it’s on the radio.
She says, “I know, I know, I know, I know, I know…”— Eric Alper 🎧 (@ThatEricAlper) October 4, 2024
Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 1, 2024
If you married me, your T-shirts are my pajamas. No negotiations.
— your other spooky mom (@difficultpatty) October 4, 2024
My husband and I are both giving each other the silent treatment, and honestly… it’s the most peace and quiet I’ve had in years. Why didn’t we think of this sooner?
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) October 1, 2024
My husband just brought up the Roman Empire, Attila the Hun, AND Napoleon, so now I have a new idea for a drinking game
— meghan (@deloisivete) October 5, 2024
My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”
— Hollie Harris (@allholls) October 1, 2024
once you’re married the “I-do” turn into “to-dos”
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) October 4, 2024
Just tried to explain the Costco guys and the Rizzler to my wife and she’s never looked more disgusted to be married to me in my life
— BuccoCapital Bloke (@buccocapital) October 6, 2024
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) October 6, 2024
My wife texted from the grocery store to ask what we needed
I replied “fruits and veggies”
She brought home lunch meat and bread
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) October 3, 2024
My husband and I went to our favorite restaurant for happy hour that started at 5pm. We just safely arrived home via Uber. 10/10 do recommend doing this as you can drink at 1/2 price for an hour then stay to spend ridiculous amounts of money for the same drinks you have at home.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) October 5, 2024
My husband said he’s especially happy we have a baby now because we need a new voting member of the house to break up the current supermajority (the dogs always vote with me) and I don’t have the heart to tell him the baby has already joined our voting block.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) October 4, 2024
Me: I wish I were a bird.
Husband: So you can fly?
Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.
Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) October 2, 2024
I don’t watch boy sports but my wife does and for some reason she still wants me to sit with her even though the whole time the Brewers are on I’m like: “Is this when the sausages run?” “Is it time for the sausages to run?” “When do the sausages run?” “Babe where’s the sausages?”
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) October 2, 2024