Should grandparents make unannounced visits to see their grandchildren? No, no, no, says one granddad.
“It’s OK for the ‘occasional’ drop in, but anything on a regular basis is just opening the door to conflict,” Rick Cognata, a grandfather of two in New York, tells TODAY.com.
Cognata, whose grandchildren are 3 and almost 1, shared a video on his “Legacy Of A Grandpa” Instagram account explaining why surprise visits are disruptive to families.
“I am on my way to my daughter’s house and guess what? I called first,” Cognata said in his video. “I said, ‘Hey, do you mind if I come over? I’m missing them. I just want to pop over. I’ll bring some food, whatever.’ Of course she said, ‘Yes’ — but I shouldn’t say ‘Of course.’ Sometimes she says, ‘No Dad, today is not a good day.’”
Is this the norm? Not for everyone.
Cognata continued, “I see a lot with my friends that this presents a problem with … us grandparents … that just pop over. Like, ‘This is my kid, they live around the corner from me, I will pop over when I want. My parents did it to me and I do it to them.’”
“It might work for you and it might be great. But all I’m saying is, I hear a lot of my friends’ children saying, ‘I wish they would call,’” Cognata said in the video. “So that’s all I’m saying … some of us might be crossing that line a little bit.”
Parents and grandparents weighed in on unplanned visits, writing on TikTok:
- “It’s sad that family can’t pop over like it was when I grew up. But once an adult child gets married, we have to respect how they want to live.”
- “Popped over once and it didn’t go over well. Daughter-in-law made sure I didn’t get past the front porch but she does that when I call and text too! I stopped going over, period.”
- “I live around the corner too, and I text first. I have a key, but I knock first, then poke my head in and say, ‘It’s me.’”
- “My Dad calls ahead too, but he calls from our driveway.”
- “If only my in-laws were thoughtful like this.”
- “You know what is and isn’t okay by the look they give you.”
- “Sad that it has to come to this . My parents stopped in whenever they wanted. I had no issues. Kids stop by whenever they wanted no issues BUT I have to call first.”
- “Love that you are teaching boundaries.”
- “100% agree. I remember having babies and finally getting five seconds to relax while they were sleeping and the doorbell rang.”
- “I’m never invited.”
Cognata, 57, tells TODAY.com unannounced visits can be intrusive if parents are exhausted, having a hard day or feel unprepared for guests, both logistically and emotionally. Other times, children need to sleep or are busy with homework or sports and can’t necessarily spend time with grandparents.
While Cognata describes himself as “a super involved dad” who only lives 15 minutes away from his daughter, they discussed healthy boundaries before the grandchildren were born.
“The important part of boundaries is early communication,” he says. “Everyone has an opinion and many grandparents think their way is the right way. They don’t often start from a curious and understanding place. It starts with judgment … grandparents forget what they don’t know.”
Cognata points to a stereotypical grandparent justification such as, “I raised kids and they turned out fine,” which, he says, can derail communication.
Instead, grandparents should understand that they aren’t co-parents, but rather supportive cheerleaders.
“We are the ones who need to adapt — and make no mistake, there’s room for improvement on both sides — but we need to be more flexible,” says Cognata.
