I tried 5 classic British chocolates for the first time – three were absolutely dreadful

Although I’ll be the first to admit I have a sweet tooth, chocolate is not usually the thing I reach for. However, since I moved to from eight months ago, I’ve seen plenty of new (to me) treats in the corner shops I’ve never tried.

I am not usually one to go out of my comfort zone with food, so what better way to try some iconic British than on the clock as a journalist.

Once my editor approved (I love my job) I headed out to the closest corner shop to find some of the treats my British co-workers suggested I try.

Below are my unfiltered reactions in the order I tried them in.

All chocolate bars were evaluated on their smell, texture and taste, with palette cleansing water breaks in between. Having now tried all five bars, I will have a new request for my next taste test if there is one: at least an hour to lie down afterwards. You can read (spoiler, some are vile). 

Wispa

I liked the opulent packaging of the Wispa, the colour purple always makes me think of Roman emperors for some reason. However, my first sniff of this chocolate bar brought me straight back to the present day. It was rich and cloying with a slight undertone of marshmallow which worried me. I am an avid marshmallow hater, something that will become relevant later. 

The texture was good – a bit like a Flake, if Flakes had the self respect to keep themselves together, and softly sticky but nothing so serious it couldn’t be worked with. The taste was, however, overwhelmingly cheap. I suppose for 69p I can’t expect greatness. It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t great.

Overall, I give Wispa a 6/10.

Starbar

The first warning sign of the Starbar was its complete lack of any kind of scent. I put the corner I had cut off the bar so close to my nose that I got chocolate on myself, but still there was no hint of scent. Very worrying. 

On first bite the texture leapt out at me though: it was absolutely dreadful. The gritty, sticky sludge clung to every crevice of my teeth and lingered for the duration of the experience. It was like eating sand with none of the pleasant bite. Yes, I know what sand feels like to eat and, no, I don’t want to talk about it. 

The taste was OK, less sweet than its predecessor, which was a welcome break, and there was an undertone of nuts and caramel which I didn’t hate. Despite its pleasant taste, the grit ruined my experience so I have to give Starbar a 3/10. 

Yorkie

This is the one I’ve heard most about – if only due to its controversial packaging which used to be emblazoned with the phrase ‘It’s not for girls’. However, the future is now, the slogan has been removed and this girl was ready to get amongst it.

The smell was bad. Immediately it was bad. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was, almost like a fruit and nut smell – I had to double check I had bought the original. I had.

When it comes to texture, Yorkie managed to be both oily and slightly gritty and I was not a fan. But the real horror was the taste. It was extremely bad. So bad that I didn’t want to go in for a second bite but I needed to nail down what that weird aftertaste was. My second bite shed no light on the situation and made me sad.

Might I suggest Yorkie brings back the ‘Not for girls’ slogan so that no other woman has to suffer as I have. 

Yorkie gets a 0/10. Sorry, boys.

Lion

This was promising immediately. The smell was like gently toasted nuts with a mild overture of chocolate, but none of the cloying cocoa smell I had come to expect by this point in the afternoon.

Lion’s texture was good too – there was a Rice Krispie-esque crunch that I like, although it could have done with being slightly less stale. In taste, Lion shone above the rest. It wasn’t cloying or overly sweet and there was a delicious hint of caramel to it that I loved. The ratio of wafer to chocolate was good, and overall, I enjoyed it. It’s probably the only one of the lot that I would buy again.

Lion overall gets an 9/10. 

Double Decker

The first thing I noticed about the cross section of the Double Decker I was about to sample was the strange sweaty sheen to the interior layer of nougat. This did not bode well, but I was on the final hurdle and honestly, feeling a little sweaty myself after so much chocolate so who am I to judge?

Its smell was chocolate with a strong marshmallow overture. Some of you may remember I do not like marshmallows. The texture was overwhelmingly marshmallowy and the texture spread through my mouth like a sticky wildfire. It was in my teeth, coating my tongue and clinging to the back of my throat.

The taste was that of perfume without the class, and again overwhelmingly like marshmallow. I know it’s nougat but you could have fooled me.

Marshmallow is gross and so are Double Deckers. 1/10.