Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
My wife’s Amazon app just closed out and her tablet rebooted, which is the online shopping equivalent of a bartender shutting someone off after being over-served.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 11, 2025
My husband pausing his performance of “Man, I Feel Like a Woman” to scream from the other room while changing the baby’s diaper: “I have something really funny to tell you when I come back. Don’t let me forget.”
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) January 7, 2025
When my husband asks if he can get something out of my purse, I have to give him full-on GPS instructions: “It’s in the main compartment, to the right of the trail mix. And if you even look at my trail mix, I swear…”
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) January 7, 2025
I have a dinner date with my best girlfriend tonight and my husband said, “Are you sure I can’t come? I won’t talk too much.” And oh my god I don’t deserve him.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) January 11, 2025
My online app for groceries is just a text to my husband.
— Darla (@ddsmidt) January 8, 2025
My husband is reading the entire Jersey Mike’s Wikipedia page out loud to me while our 3yo yells “DADDY PLEASE STOP TALKING” and he just keeps going “hang on one second honey I’m almost done…” as if i asked him to do this
— kourtney (@kourtneyinhell) January 10, 2025
My husband went out with friends last night. So I introduced the kids to Ace Ventura and now they keep addressing him from their butts and he’ll think twice about leaving me alone with them again.
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) January 12, 2025
There are people who do the dishes after dinner and there are people who leave them in the sink to soak so they don’t have to do them right away and then they marry each other.
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) January 9, 2025
Marriage is living with someone who annoys you, but you also want to hang out with them. It’s weird
— 𝘾𝙚𝙧𝙧𝙖 (@Cerra__) January 12, 2025
4yo: *high-pitch screech*
Husband: That’s the last time you’ll be doing that today.
Reader, it wasn’t the last time. But it’s good for a man to have dreams.
— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) January 8, 2025
[My wife is driving me home after a medical procedure]
Me: [Dropping dad jokes]
Wife: Anesthesia is supposed to calm you down, but you just won’t shut up.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) January 10, 2025
To my beloved wife, I leave my circus and my monkeys.
— Fomo Simpson (@HaliPhacks) January 8, 2025
Me [looking in fridge]: Where are the pickles?
Wife: In the fridge.
Me: I’m looking in the fridge.
Wife: Did you MOVE things?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you look behind the ketchup?
Me:
Wife: You can’t find the ketchup, can you?
Me [closing fridge]: I don’t really need pickles.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 13, 2025
Me: Experts say a messy house is a sign of love and safety.
Husband: What experts?
Me: Experts.
Husband: But who?
Me: Me. I’m the experts.
— Hollie Harris (@allholls) January 8, 2025
When my husband goes to the store and he’s desperately trying to reach me, he sends messages to the TV. pic.twitter.com/DdFCnvQvGi
— Tola | Travel Creator (@LivingWithTola) January 12, 2025
When I found out Sandi worked at the zoo, I knew I had to marry her. She was a keeper.
— Bob Golen (@BobGolen) January 8, 2025
Me: Babe, this is gonna sound crazy…
Wife: Literally nothing you say could ever shock me anymore
Me: I have a plan
Wife: *dies*
— Dad Pickup Line (@dadpickupline) January 11, 2025
Dating: “Every moment without you feels like an eternity.”
Marriage: “Every moment with you feels like an eternity.”— Emma Beasley🐝 (@JustBeingEmma) January 8, 2025
The best place to put something you’ve been asking your husband to put away is on his side of the bed.
— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) January 13, 2025
If my wife suddenly went missing and the cops asked what she was wearing, I wouldn’t have a clue.
So what I’m saying is, Internet, please stop posting memes and asking me what I notice.
— A Dad Influence (@gbergan) January 8, 2025