It happened again: you got home late and started venting to your partner about your boss pulling you into a meeting just as you were about to leave. Then it’s your partner’s turn to complain about their mom who keeps dolling out unsolicited parenting advice.
A week later you’re having the same conversations about your boss and your partner’s mom and their apparent lack of boundaries. This cycle of repeatedly and excessively discussing problems without coming to a resolution is what psychologists refer to as co-rumination.
While rehashing problems might “feel supportive initially, it can lead to increased emotional distress and strain relationships,” said Sanam Hafeez, a neuropsychologist and founder of Comprehend the Mind. The first step in breaking your habit of co-rumination is recognizing the difference between constructive sharing and unhelpful dwelling.
Below, relationship experts explain how to tell when you’re co-ruminating, why it’s harmful to your relationship, and how to curb this behavior. Here are the signs of co-rumination:
1. Rehashing the same problem repeatedly
An example of co-ruminating is spending hours dissecting a minor workplace conflict. Instead of moving on, you continue speculating about why your coworker didn’t invite you to lunch or seemed surprised that your presentation went well.
Similar to co-rumination, rumination involves replaying negative thoughts or situations. “Some people call rumination overthinking, but it’s actually ‘underthinking’ because you’re going over the same pattern of thoughts in a way that doesn’t usually lead to a solution, change in understanding, or sense of satisfaction,” said Charlynn Ruan, a licensed clinical psychologist and the founder of Thrive Psychology Group.
Repetition is a feature of co-rumination and rumination, but the latter tends to result in the person turning inward and withdrawing from other people, said Hafeez. In contrast, when you’re co-ruminating, you tend to feed off each other’s frustrations and grievances, leading to emotional burnout.
2. Dwelling on negative feelings
Aside from being repetitive, co-rumination involves focusing on the negative, said Hafeez. For example, you and your partner might trade theories about a friend being upset with you because they haven’t answered your text.
Or it could be that your partner keeps bringing up the time they were passed over for a promotion. In response, you might co-ruminate by reinforcing how unfairly your partner was treated rather than reminding them of how this setback motivated them to find a better job.
3. Struggling to change the topic
Co-ruminating with a partner is different from venting, which provides an emotional release for the person sharing and considers how the listener is feeling. For example, you might spend 20 minutes venting about your afternoon commute and then shift to a neutral topic like dinner plans to avoid overwhelming your partner.
By contrast, co-rumination involves excessive and frequent discussion of a problem. No matter what, conversations always seem to circle back to the same problem, Hafeez added.
“Unlike venting where you can feel better after getting something off your chest, co-ruminating can lead to you feeling worse,” said Brianna Paruolo, clinical director and founder of On Par Therapy. “It’s like getting stuck in a loop which may contribute to feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.”
4. Neglecting to solve the problem
Another aspect of co-rumination is expressing worries or replaying conflicts without addressing the problem directly. “Neither partner encourages the other towards a solution or different perspective but instead affirms negative interpretations and feelings of being stuck,” said Ruan.
At first, you might feel validated having your partner take your side or empathize with you. “Co-rumination can temporarily bond people, but it often heightens anxiety and sadness for both,” said Hafeez.
5. Feeling worse about the situation
Following an episode of co-ruminating, you might feel frustrated and emotionally drained. That’s because co-ruminating can “increase unhealthy dependence and cause partners to start associating negative feelings with their relationship,” said Ruan.
As pack animals, we are hardwired to seek support and validation from loved ones when we’re struggling or needing to process difficult emotions. Having a sounding board may help you feel less alone, but “co-ruminating can amplify your distorted or catastrophic beliefs about a situation,” Ruan added.
Why co-ruminating is bad for a relationship
The focus on negativity can spill over into your relationship and how you feel about each other. If one of you decides that you no longer want to participate in this dynamic, the other partner may feel rejected, said Ruan.
It’s normal to want to talk about what’s bothering you or revisit a problem to make sense of it. What’s critical to avoiding co-rumination is balancing emotional sharing with dialogue about how you plan to handle the problem, said Hafeez.
If this pattern of rehashing problems is harming your relationship, make an effort to notice when you’re bringing up past conflicts or negative thoughts, said Hafeez. Try redirecting the conversation by validating your partner’s feelings and asking, “What can we do about this?”
Remember, acknowledging your partner’s feelings doesn’t mean “that you validate distorted thought patterns that may be intensifying their feelings,” said Ruan. Instead, your goal is to understand your partner even if you don’t agree with their interpretation of events and support them in finding more proactive and empowered ways to approach the situation, she added.
“It is much more effective to be able to sit with hard feelings and then remind your partner of their strengths and abilities,” said Ruan. Giving your partner space to express their fears and concerns can help them arrive at their own interpretations and solutions.
Conversely, jumping into problem-solving mode too quickly or attempting to fix the problem for them can backfire. Your partner may feel helpless and poorly equipped to handle the situation, said Ruan.
When you have something negative or distressing on your mind, Paruolo suggested having boundaries around how much time you’ll spend discussing the issue and setting a timer. “Once the timer is up, you both need to make a conscious choice to change the subject,” she said.
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Lastly, it’s important to learn how to manage stress whether it’s “through journaling, meditation, or private reflection before bringing problems to your partner,” said Hafeez. “When necessary, you can seek outside perspectives from friends, mentors, or therapists to avoid overloading your relationship.”