I lived my teen years in a typical U.S. suburb during the 1990s, and during that time, the expected trajectory was clear: When you turned 18, either you went to college or you got a job, but you most definitely moved out of your parents’ house — and never returned.
A cause to move back homewas something life-altering, like an unplanned pregnancy or a disabling medical condition. If you did stay at home, or moved out and then returned, it was a source of shame both for you and your parents. A young adult living in the basement was a “failure to launch.”
So I was shocked when I was an exchange student in Spain and my host family introduced me to an educated, employed and successful cousin in her mid-20s who happily shared an apartment in Madrid with her parents. Far from shameful, this kind of living arrangement was common and expected.
Over the course of the following decades, however, this scenario has become less unusual in the U.S. — and also less frowned-upon. More than half of 18-to-24-year-olds are now living with their parents, according to census data. This number has been slowly rising since 1980. (It spiked during the pandemic but has since gone back down.)
Financial considerations play a big role. Stagnating wages and soaring housing costs have pressed many families into multigenerational living situations. Rising college costs also mean that many young people graduate with record amounts of student loan debt. Moving back in with parents is one way to pay off these loans or save for a down payment, and might even be seen as a smart financial move instead of an admission of failure.
Parents’ attitudes are changing, too. “It is increasingly common for parents to feel that it is their role to help their children get established without the ‘sink or swim’ mentality once they turn 18,” Caitlin Slavens, a psychologist in Alberta, told HuffPost.
Living at home can also help young people explore their career options, Robert Roopa, a clinical psychologist in Ontario, told HuffPost. “Having to leave home may put them in a precarious situation, which may make it more difficult for them to find careers they enjoy or would like to invest in,” Roopa said.
Case In Point: TikTok-Viral Mom Lori Meo
One mom in Rhode Island has recently attracted attention on social media for her frank and unapologetic take on living with her adult children.
In a video she posted on TikTok, Lori Meo talks about allowing her “adult-ish” children, ages 22 and 24, to live at home for as long as they like.
“They can live here forever as long as they’re doing what they’re supposed to do and being respectful and working hard,” Meo says in the video.
She also discusses her policies regarding overnight guests and paying “rent,” saying that she allows the former and does not require the latter — and recognizes that others might disagree with her choices.
“Since they both turned 18, they are allowed to have their boyfriend or girlfriend stay over whenever they want,” Meo says in her video.
She explained to HuffPost how this policy came to be. “The overnights started because my son’s girlfriend lived about 40 minutes away and it seemed unsafe to have either of them driving late at night.” By the time her daughter got a serious boyfriend, the precedent had already been set.
Meo said she wouldn’t allow overnights for “casual dating,” but otherwise simply doesn’t care.
“They are adults, and I don’t want being together to push them out of the house too soon,” she said.
While some parents ask their adult children to pay rent, Meo chooses not to. “Now, if they weren’t working hard and saving their money and trying to do all the right things,” she says in the video, “I might reconsider that one.”
Meo told HuffPost that she is aware of what her kids are doing with their money because it is a frequent topic of conversation. “We have very open communication about money,” she said. “I help my son with his investments and we all use the same financial adviser.”
She elaborated on the financial arrangements mentioned in the video, explaining that her kids pay for their car insurance and phone bills, and “one has a truck payment.” In addition, the kids help out around the farm they live on.
“The kids work very hard helping with the animals and the property,” Meo said. Additional help comes from Meo’s own mother, who also lives with them. “We are three generations,” she said, adding, “My son’s girlfriend is like one of my kids and is treated as such.”
‘I Was Surprised How Many People Agreed With Me’
While a few people commented that they disagreed with Meo’s rules and rationale, the vast majority of the thousands of comments TikTok users have left have been supportive.
“Sounds good to me,” wrote one person who has some experience parenting in the public eye: Rosie O’Donnell.
“I was surprised how many people agreed with me,” Meo said. “Many people from other countries said that what I’m doing is the norm.”
Other commenters said they have similar policies for their own adult children.
While such arrangements work for many, parents should ensure that kids have some kind of responsibility, said Vanessa Scaringi, a licensed psychologist at Calm Counseling.
“I see a lot of ‘failure to launch’ folks in my practice. Allowing adult children to remain at home without any sort of accountability makes it really hard for them to practice life skills,” Scaringi said.
When parents “placate their children because they are fearful of making things harder on them,” she explained, the children “never have to get good at tolerating discomfort.”
Charging rent can be tricky, she said, “because it is arbitrary when that would begin and how much.” But there are plenty of other ways kids can chip in, such as helping cover other household expenses or doing work around the house, like how Meo’s kids help with the farm animals.
In terms of having overnight guests, Scaringi suggested setting some limits. “The adult child can feel like they are being treated as an adult but the parents don’t have to feel like they are being taken advantage of. I have seen boundaries around this, like on certain days of the week there can be overnight guests.”
When boundaries and expectations are set and agreed to, multigenerational living situations can work well. “Having them stay home may allow them the freedom to take ownership of their own lives until they are ready to launch. This may mean clearing debt, finishing a schooling program or saving to purchase a home,” Roopa said. In some cases, he added, an adult child might need help learning life skills, such as “setting budgets, paying bills, and meeting deadlines.”
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“I am Italian and have seen so many of my relatives in Italy live at home with their families for extended periods of time,” Scaringi said. “There is mutual respect, and there is also the expectation that one will move away when they are ready.”