This year, the spouses on X (or Twitter, as we still like to call it) have captured married life with their signature honesty, humor and wit once again.
We’ve narrowed down the thousands of funny marriage tweets we saw in 2024 to 50 of our favorites. Check them out below:
i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs
— vacation boy (@epsilina) October 15, 2024
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
— meghan (@deloisivete) May 20, 2024
marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”
— Matt O’Brien (@matt_obrien) July 7, 2024
oh your husband’s a lawyer? well my husband is the head coach of an imaginary football team four months out of every year
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) October 3, 2024
My wife texted me to pick her up something called hair nourishing elixir, so I’ll be home sometime in the next 3 days.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) January 20, 2024
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
— Hereward the Woke (@BamaExpat) February 28, 2024
hey. i’m running to the store—is there anything you need that i can remember incorrectly or totally forget to get you?
-my husband
— NurseBrianRN (@rn_murse) October 16, 2024
wife switches to officer-involved passive voice when she’s made a mistake pic.twitter.com/5SlI43pAxj
— Evan Hill (@evanhill) June 18, 2024
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today.
— ✨Nikki is on Bluesky✨ (@IAmNikkiSavoy) June 19, 2024
Me: *lying face down on the bed in my underwear*
Husband: you look like a centerfold for depression magazine
— Heatherhere 👽 (@Heatinblack) June 4, 2024
We ran into my wife’s close friend on our neighborhood walk which allowed me 45 minutes to stare at a fire hydrant.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) March 1, 2024
My plans? I’m about to sit next to my wife and ask her dozens of questions about the show she’s watching
— Toy Robot (@justinmatic5000) June 6, 2024
A gender reveal but it’s me and my husband opening up the speed trap camera ticket to see who was behind the wheel
— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) July 5, 2024
I bet when my husband asked me to marry him, he was eagerly picturing this moment, me walking around in old pajamas, muttering to myself, as I water 300 plants
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) November 28, 2024
My husband thinks all the silverware should go in one big pile together instead of being separated by size and category. I really wish I had known this before we got married.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) August 12, 2024
Hubs: you’re losing it!
Me: catch up Chief I’ve already lost it— LorazeKim™ 𝕏 🏴☠️🇺🇸🇮🇹🚩 (@LorazeKim) May 28, 2024
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) May 27, 2024
Living on a prayer. But it’s me every time I get into my wife’s car trying to make it to a gas station before I run out of gas.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) June 2, 2024
Told my wife it’s been 4 days and my wrist still smells like the cologne I tested. She gave me a long, blank stare and said, “You sprayed your watch band, that’s what you’re smelling” in case anyone was wondering who has the brains in our relationship
— 🌜🤷♂️ 🤯Dad Moon Rising🤯 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) September 24, 2024
the smug way my wife walks into the kitchen, casually opens a drawer, and pulls out the exact item she needs on the first try
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) March 1, 2024
My wife and I were walking down the sidewalk wearing gear from our favorite sports teams, pushing three cats in strollers, on the way to the vet (annual check-ups), and I could feel a level of lesbianism radiating off of us that was so powerful men were crossing the street.
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) May 10, 2024
hate when my husband gives me some crazy directions like “i’m in the south west corner” it’s a costco parking lot i have no idea where i even am let alone what you mean by south or west
— amil (@amil) May 11, 2024
wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house— brent (@murrman5) August 27, 2024
another reason trans men are men: my husband told me I’m his best friend and I was like awwww that’s so sweet! but my best friend is Jenna, you need more friends dude
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) March 25, 2024
my husband is STEALING my clothes
some of which he boughtPOLICE!!!
— Jay Jurden Standup Comedy Messiah (@JayJurden) June 20, 2024
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) May 7, 2024
Me: how does this email sound? [I read it out loud]
Husband: I’d maybe change that part that says–
Me: I’ve already sent this.
Husband: it’s absolutely perfect.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) January 26, 2024
Being married is cool you can be laying next to your husband in bed while he’s really studiously pondering his phone and you look over and he’s googling “what is the largest bird”
— Bitch Wife/Girlboss/Girl Bitch (@husbandfuck3r) May 13, 2024
Wife math ~ “it was like 10 bucks” = it was at least $100.
— Tony P. (@Tbone7219) August 26, 2024
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 1, 2024
My wife said we need to “evaluate the garage” so there goes my weekend
— McDad (@mcdadstuff) February 24, 2024
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
— Hollie Harris (@allholls) April 24, 2024
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
— J. Courtney Sullivan (@jcourtsull) April 20, 2024
[my wife after introducing me to anybody] he’s a rescue
— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) September 12, 2024
my husband thinks he’s easy-going but also just complained that he has to use two hands because the toilet paper is hard to rip
— nika (@nikalamity) March 6, 2024
You’re not really married until one of you shares your idea for an invention and the other one shoots it down in cold blood.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) April 19, 2024
Just me making weird polite conversation with my husband in the backseat so our Uber driver doesn’t think we have a troubled marriage.
— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) February 2, 2024
Husband: wow that’s cool you drew on your eyebrows you have never done that before
Me: apparently you have never looked at my face
— Ashley Winter MD || Urologist (@AshleyGWinter) October 13, 2024
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) April 23, 2024
One minute you’re happily married and the next minute he’s cut open a resealable Costco-sized bag.
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) January 17, 2024
Dog snoring: adorable
Husband snoring: unacceptable— Midge (@mxmclain) February 22, 2024
My husband had a friend over for dinner last night and at the end of the evening he sent her home with leftovers. As he handed it to her, he looked her straight in the eyes and said “I’m gifting you the soup but NOT the Tupperware.”
We love a man who communicates.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) May 10, 2024
My husband is helping with the chores by sweeping out the garage even though that’s literally never been on my To Do list, but good job, babe.
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) February 12, 2024
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) September 24, 2024
My husband and I tell each other I love you more and then roll over to the edges of our bed as far away from each other as possible.
— Liz Goldberg (@wittysnuggles) February 17, 2024
Sometimes I feel like marriage is 50% “what do you want for dinner” and 50% “here is another gross thing currently happening to my body”
— Jonathan Edward Durham (@thisone0verhere) March 12, 2024
My wife will wait until the exact moment my ass makes contact with the couch to ask for a favor.
— Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸 (@mahnamematt) January 17, 2024
My wife brushes her teeth with hot water, and every morning I have to fight the urge to call the police. I feel like I’m aiding and abetting a fugitive.
— 𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉𝒍𝒆𝒓 (@MoMohler) September 26, 2024
Regretfully, my truest nature comes out when I don’t think the covers are being shared equally
— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) September 24, 2024
My man-cold was almost gone but it just came back worse than before and oh okay hold on my wife is moving out
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 4, 2024