How To Politely Decline (Or Try) Food You Hate Without Being Rude

Your grandmother has made her famous pecan pie for the holiday family gathering. It’s a perennial family favorite, but you don’t like it. You actually hate it. And each year you have to figure out how to not eat it or risk hurting grandma’s feelings.

Do you just tough it out and eat the dish? Or do you surreptitiously give it to the dog or put it into a nearby plant? There’s got to be a better way, right?

To be clear, we’re talking about foods that we just don’t like. We’re not talking about food allergies, intolerances, eating disorders, recovering from addictions, or dietary restrictions for religious or moral reasons. This is the food that we just plain hate — and here’s how to politely decline (or try) it without being rude.

Hazardous Holidays

Holidays are one of the most difficult times for people in regard to eating, said Dr. Cortney Warren, a clinical psychologist, regardless of whether someone has an eating disorder or not. During this time, our normal rhythms of eating and organizing our days are disrupted. We tend to eat foods that typically have a higher caloric density, with people often eating more sweets and drinking more alcohol.

Plus, there are lots of social expectations, whether it’s friends or family, that can bring up a whole host of challenges for folks, including negotiating who is hosting, when and where people will gather for meals, and what foods will be included, Warren explained.

Dr. Supatra Tovar, a clinical psychologist and registered dietitian, added, “Holidays are often a time when food becomes more than nourishment; it’s a symbol of tradition, love and connection. These celebrations can bring joy but also stress, especially when we’re faced with foods we don’t enjoy.”

Figuring out how to handle food you know you don’t want to eat can be another source of stress.

The ‘No-Thank-You Portion’

There are several strategies that folks can use to handle unwanted food. Lizzie Post, co-president of the Emily Post Institute, recommended the “no-thank-you portion”: basically taking a small portion of the food on your plate and trying a bite. As long as it is not about safety (such as allergies or food intolerances) or cultural/religious reasons, the “no-thank-you portion” is a good strategy.

It’s honoring the idea that the host could have cooked something that you may be surprised about. It’s also a chance to be open-minded and a way of not drawing attention to the food you dislike.

However, Post said, “I would avoid chopping everything up on your plate or moving it all around to make it look like you ate more than you did.”

Decline Graciously

If you are adamant about not having the food on your plate or someone draws attention to what you haven’t eaten,another option is to decline the food as graciously as you can.

Warren recommended expressing gratitude and reflection around the food prepared, like, “Thank you so much for making this” or “That was so generous of you to think of me or to make the effort.” You are acknowledging the host’s hard work and thought behind the food but still being true to your own preferences.

Post said you can be upfront and tactful by saying something like, “Oh my gosh. I really appreciate the encouragement. I must admit, I have a really strong aversion to them, which is why I didn’t go for them in round one.”

You’re setting a boundary about what you put inside of your body — and that can be difficult to hear for the person who cooked the food. Warren suggested that before going to an event, you may want to practice in front of a mirror what you will say if asked about a particular food. Remind yourself that it’s OK not to eat a particular food, and it’s not about insulting someone.

“It’s really just you identifying, ‘This is who I am. These are my preferences, and it is OK for me to be firm about what I’m going to eat, even if it hurts other people’s feelings sometimes,’” Warren said.

Coupled with the strategy of graciously declining, people can also opt to use redirection. Tovar explained that redirection means “focusing the conversation on holiday topics or other family interests.”

“This can help shift the emphasis away from food and allow everyone to relax and enjoy the gathering,” she said.

You can even point out how other family members may love the food in question — even if you don’t.

It’s Not Personal; It’s Food

For people who are doing the cooking, it’s important not to take it personally.

“If someone declines a dish you’ve prepared, try to approach it with curiosity rather than hurt,” Tovar said. “Remember that food preferences are deeply personal and don’t reflect your cooking or the effort you put in.”

Post said that if you notice someone who is avoiding green beans or another food, do not draw attention to it. She added that hosts should just “ignore it entirely and don’t make a mention of it at all.”

Instead, Post suggested that the host can say to the whole table, “‘Did everyone get a chance to try everything they’d like?’”

“And that’s your way to invite people who might have said, ‘Oh, you know what? I missed that dish of green beans. I’d love to,’” she said.

A host should not be putting guests on the spot; that’s going to make them feel uncomfortable at the table. Plus, it could lead to a guest criticizing someone’s food publicly, which can be embarrassing.

As a host, you never really know why someone may not be eating, Post noted. For instance, someone may have received upsetting news, and although they do not have much of an appetite, they did not want to cancel.

“Give people a little grace in that,” Post said.

The other side of the coin is that guests should not draw attention to food they do not like.

Ideally, no one would put someone on the spot about the particular food.

“I wish more people would just get to the point of not trying to force people to try things or like things if they don’t like them or want to try them,” Post said.

Don’t Give It To The Family Dog

All three experts agreed: Do not toss the food to the family pet or into a plant. It will incite the drama you were trying to avoid. It will also draw attention to the food you dislike.

Plus, you never know what dietary restrictions or allergies a family pet may have, which can make things much worse.

Keep An Open Mind

Sometimes you may want to broaden your palate, even with foods you may not have historically liked, or you may be dealing with foods that are acquired tastes like wines or blue cheese. That’s where the “no-thank-you portion” can be helpful. You can try a small amount without making a big commitment or contributing to food waste.

Tovar noted that “developing a taste for something new takes time and is most successful when approached with an open mind and gradual exposure.” She suggested starting with a small portion and noticing the flavors and textures. You can also try to pair foods/drinks that have more complex flavors with ones that you already know and like.

“Additionally, if you’re trying to cultivate a taste for health benefits, remind yourself of the positive impact, which can increase motivation,” Tovar said. “Tiny exposures, over time, can create familiarity and, sometimes, a new appreciation.”

But it’s OK if you cannot abide eating a certain food during the holiday season (or whenever for that matter), regardless of what you’ve tried.

“Remembering that food is just one part of the celebration helps alleviate stress around preferences and encourages a spirit of kindness and acceptance,” Tovar said.