When your child starts complaining, simply “do nothing” — a strategy from Dr. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist and mother of three.
“This regulates adults more — or at least first — and that order of operations matters because when we regulate our own emotions … that’s one of the biggest things that helps them regulate their emotions,” Kennedy tells TODAY.com.
“Dr. Becky,” as she’s affectionately known to her three million Instagram fans, is a popular parenting expert, New York Times bestselling author and host of the “Good Inside with Dr. Becky” podcast.
Kennedy, whose children are 7, 10, and 13, introduced her “do nothing” theory in an Instagram video.
“I just had the smoothest, best morning with my kids before they went to school and I want to tell you exactly what I did to make that happen,” Kennedy said in her video. “I did a strategy I call ‘doing nothing.’ Let me explain how this works, though.”
“First, my daughter came out and she was complaining about breakfast — ‘Ugh, waffles! I hate waffles!’ Now, my daughter always likes waffles, but normally I would really take the bait,” Kennedy said in the video. “I would say, ‘You love waffles! Come on — you’ve had waffles the last 18 mornings!’ Instead, today, I chose to do nothing. She complained and I did this back.”
Kennedy demonstrated a sigh she gave, which she says “deescalated” the tension. Next, her son told his mom, “You promised me you would wash my sweatshirt, it’s still dirty!”
“Now, between you and me, he never even asked me to wash his sweatshirt,” Kennedy said in the video, adding that she refrained from mentioning that to not aggravate the situation.
“Today, I chose to do nothing,” Kennedy said in her video, explaining that she took a deep breath, gave him an understanding look, sighed and said, “You wish the sweatshirt was clean.” Then, she watched her son choose a different sweatshirt.
“We had the smoothest morning because instead of engaging in a power struggle, or taking my kids’ words too literally, I just chose to do nothing,” Kennedy said in the video. “Highly recommend you try that.”
What’s Dr. Becky’s ‘Do Nothing’ strategy?
“Here’s the thing about doing nothing,” Kennedy tells TODAY.com, adding, “When I am doing ‘nothing’ on the outside — meaning, I’m not taking the bait from my kids — I am actually doing a lot on the inside: I’m breathing, talking to myself … I’m regulating myself on the inside, so I can ‘do nothing’ on the outside.”
Kennedy tells TODAY.com that kid-parent power struggles often entail “false accusations” and generalities like, “You always” or “You never.”
“Our kids invite us to power struggles all the time,” says Kennedy, adding, “What do we know about power struggles? There’s a lot of crying … feeling guilty after and … that nobody ever wins. Imagine being invited to a party where somebody said … ‘We’re going to end up screaming at each other and saying things we don’t mean’… I’d say, ‘I’m going to RSVP No.’”
Kennedy says if doing “nothing” results in a child doubling down (“Did you hear me?! I hate waffles!”), parents can say, “Oh, you do, OK.”
“In this state, parents have to choose between being effective over being right,” she says. “If you want to be right, you might say, ‘You’ve had waffles the last 18 days.’ Being right is a solitary existence — if you’re right, someone is wrong … and you’re adding fuel to their fire.”
Realistically, if your child keeps going, Kennedy suggests uttering “three powerful words:” “I believe you,” a response that she says speaks to “the core struggle that is motivating out-of-control behavior.”
Kennedy points out: “There’s always something to believe. On the surface, we don’t believe that our kid doesn’t like waffles but … we owe ourselves and our kids to look below the surface.” Maybe your child hates waffles that day, she points out, or their frustration comes from a place they can’t quite articulate.
The “do nothing” strategy is not ignoring children, she says.
“It comes down to our intention … if you’re thinking, ‘My kid is so annoying and I’m going to do nothing!’ your child will feel … judged and small,” says Kennedy. “If instead you’re thinking, ‘My job is to manage my emotions and my kid is having a hard time … then your child will feel that … as loving, supportive and sturdy.”
How doing nothing benefits parents
According to Kennedy, the “do nothing” strategy can regulate parents’ emotions.
“Working on regulating your own emotions is the source of your power and your leadership — that’s what enables you to show up in a way you’re proud of,” says Kennedy.
If anything, doing nothing is a nonchalant way to not ruin your day.