Is It Better To Show Up To A Party Fashionably Late Or On Time?

Even when an invitation to a holiday party says the start time, you may still wonder: Should you show up “fashionably late” so you’re not the first guest there? And what’s the acceptable window for arriving late?

“Being on time shows respect to your host and other guests … [but] what it means to be ‘on time’ really depends on the event and the local etiquette,” said Nick Leighton, etiquette expert and co-host of the “Were You Raised By Wolves?” podcast.

We asked modern etiquette experts about how to determine the best time to show up to an event, when it’s acceptable to show up “fashionably late” and what you should do if you are running behind schedule.

It depends on the country and the culture.

Jodi RR Smith, owner of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting, said it’s important to consider where the event is taking place and what the culture is of the people who are hosting.

“The polite time to arrive at a dinner party in Tokyo, Paris, New York or Sao Paulo are all different,” Leighton said.

While promptness is valued in linear-time cultures, time is considered to be more fluid in circular-time cultures.

“For linear-time cultures (think Asian), when something starts at 6, you arrive at 6,” Smith explained. “For circular-time cultures (think … South American), when something starts at 6 … it could be 6:30, 7 or even 8, depending on the location.”

In the United States, the “fashionably late” window to arrive at a social event is usually around 5 to 15 minutes (though it depends on the type of event).

“When in doubt, it’s OK to just ask the host what the optimal arrival time is for their event,” Leighton added.

It depends on the type of the event.

Whether it’s a cocktail party or seated dinner, the format of the event also determines the best time to arrive.

Diane Gottsman, author of “Modern Etiquette for a Better Life” and owner of The Protocol School of Texas, recommends showing up no more than 10 to 15 minutes late to a cocktail party or similar type of event.

Running later than that can send the “message [that] you don’t have a good grip on time management,” Gottsman explained.

If it’s a seated dinner, Smith said, it’s best to be right on time.

“It is considered rude to arrive intentionally late because it often throws a host off, especially for a dinner party when the host probably has the cocktails, appetizers and meal timed out,” Gottsman added.

If you do need to arrive late, you want to let the host know and try to show up before everyone sits down for the meal.

“It’s perfectly acceptable to ask the person who’s inviting you, ‘Are we doing appetizers ahead of time? Are we sitting down right at 6 o’clock?’” Smith said. “Get a feel for what’s happening [and] what the schedule is.”

For an open house, you can arrive at any point between the start and finish time and for however long you’d like. However, Gottsman usually tries not to arrive at the very end.

You should avoid arriving early.

It can be stressful for a host if you arrive before the start time because they are likely finalizing the last-minute details for the party, like lighting candles and pouring glasses of water on the table, Gottsman said.

“Wait in your car, walk around the block or do virtually anything else except ring the doorbell before the event start time,” Leighton added.

An exception: If your best friend is throwing a party or gathering, you may want to offer to show up early to help set up, Smith suggested.

Also for events like weddings or funerals, you do want to get there early because you need enough time to park and find a seat.

“You don’t want to walk in with a bride or with the pallbearers,” Gottsman said.

But otherwise you want to avoid surprising your host with an early arrival.

You should notify the host if you are running more than ‘fashionably late.’

Even when you’re aiming to be on time or within the “fashionably late” window, sometimes unexpected delays happen.

“[Maybe] there’s an accident on the expressway [or] … you need to change everything that [your baby is] wearing because they had a diaper incident,” Smith said.

If it’s not an open house event and you’re running later than about 10 minutes, Gottsman said, you should let the host know. Because the host is likely busy greeting guests and getting everything ready, she recommends texting instead of calling.

“If they don’t respond … then see if you know somebody else who’s also attending and let them know so that they can let the host know,” Smith said.

If it is a dinner party, you shouldn’t expect them to wait to serve the meal.

“[You can] catch up with whatever course they happen to be eating,” Smith said.

Don’t try to attend multiple parties during the same time frame.

One reason why people often show up late to a party: They’re invited to multiple events on the same day.

For example, if you’re invited to two holiday gatherings that are both happening at the same time, especially if they are far away from each other, Smith advises choosing one.

Not only can it be stressful commuting and rushing from one event to the next, but it can also appear rude to the hosts.

“Don’t shortchange the first host to get to the second [event], and don’t shortchange a second host by showing up just for dessert,” Gottsman said. “[Usually] it’s better to start and finish where you started.”

If different family members always have the same holiday event every year on the same day, you may want to alternate years for which one you attend.

“Don’t add stress to a time of year that’s already [hectic],” Smith said. “I want people to [be able to] actually enjoy their time together.”