Hallmark movies — and even coffee commercials — are often centered on the idea that family is everything during the holidays. No matter the obstacle, it always ends with everyone laughing around a big feast or by the Christmas tree. But in real life, that doesn’t always happen.
For some people, the idea of going home for the holidays is anxiety-inducing. Not everyone had a happy childhood, and seeing family can aggravate old wounds. Maybe for you, the perfect holiday is spent with your chosen family or simply by yourself. Or maybe you do want to go home for the holidays, but you can’t afford to, or it’s your partner’s turn this year. In all these cases, there’s something you have to do: Tell your family that you aren’t coming home.
The worst, right? You can do it (promise!), and putting some therapist-approved advice into action will make it a heck of a lot smoother.
These tips can help you make your decision.
If the idea of going home for the holidays fills you with anxiety, but you are on the fence about whether you should actually not go, family therapist Adrienne L. Marshall told HuffPost that it can be helpful to gauge your ability to deal with the stress of being home on a scale of 1 to 10. “One is the idea of, ‘Hey, this will be easy’ and 10 is, ‘I absolutely cannot handle the stress of being home.’ Just using a measuring stick to personally determine where you’re at mentally can be helpful when making this decision,” Marshall said.
Family therapist Rachael Jones also said it’s important to figure out your emotional bandwidth for going home. “Even if we love our family, they’re wonderful and we enjoy spending time with them, there’s an energy cost there,” Jones said.
The holidays are a loaded time of year and Jones pointed out that it’s important to remember that this isn’t the only time to see your family. This can be helpful to keep in mind both when deciding whether to go home and when you’re breaking the news.
How to deliver the news if you just don’t want to go home.
On that note, what’s the best way to tell your famil you aren’t coming home this holiday season? First, give them as much notice as you can, family therapist Aurisha Smolarskitold HuffPost. That way, they have more time to process and plan accordingly. “When letting them know your decision, show empathy, acknowledge their feelings and be understanding. Use words such as ‘I understand,’ ‘I get it,’ or ‘I hear you,’” Smolarski said.
Be kind but firm when telling your family you won’t be coming home. “You aren’t asking for their permission; you are telling them this is your choice and that it is not negotiable. For example, you might say, ‘I’ve decided I will not be coming to Christmas this year.’ The more authentic and honest you can be, the easier it will be to stand behind your decisions,” Smolarski said.
Jones offered another sample script, saying something like, “I know this may be tough to hear, but this is the best decision for me this year and I still love you.” If there is another time of year you want to visit, this could be a great time to share that.
It’s best to be concise when breaking the news, Marshall said: “If it’s not concise, the more opportunities people have to start asking questions that make you feel like you have to explain yourself.”
Once the conversation is behind you, now comes the fun part: figuring out how you want to spend the holidays on your own. Jones recommends considering the parts of the holidays you like. Is it all the cheesy movies? Driving around local neighborhoods to see Christmas lights? Doing a Secret Santa with your friends? You get to decide what parts of the holidays you want to take and what you want to leave behind.
As Jones pointed out earlier, it’s totally normal to not want to go home for the holidays, yet still miss your family this time of year. If this rings true for you, she recommends thinking of ways you can still feel close to your family without physically being there, such as opening presents together over FaceTime or making your grandmother’s famous holiday cookies. Jones said that finding ways to serve others in your community can be a great way to spend the holidays too — and might even lead to creating your own new traditions.
How to deliver the news if you want to go home but can’t.
Maybe you do want to go home for the holidays, but it just isn’t going to happen this year. Flights might be too expensive, you promised your partner you would spend it with his family this year, or you have to work. When it comes to breaking the news, Smolarski recommends being honest with your family about your circumstances. “This sets a foundation for you and your family to be creative and brainstorm ideas together,” she said.
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Jones and Marshall both pointed out that a silver lining of COVID-19 is that it forced us to get creative about how to enjoy the holidays without being together. Maybe there was something you did back in 2020 that you could do again, like a FaceTime call during holiday traditions such as baking Christmas cookies, opening gifts or lighting the menorah.
Again, finding alternate dates to meet up is a great idea, too. Jones pointed out that most holiday traditions don’t have to happen on the exact holiday. Celebrating a holiday in January, for example, can still be as joyful as getting together on the actual day; it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. There are plenty of people who work on holidays (including first responders, health care professionals and people in the service industry) who may celebrate earlier or later than the actual holiday, but that doesn’t take away from the meaning of it.
Whatever your circumstances going into this holiday season, all three therapists say it’s completely OK — and normal — if your holiday doesn’t look like what you may see in movies or on TV. Real life is messy.
Instead of trying to create a picture-perfect holiday, Jones recommends focusing on small holiday moments that bring you joy. That could simply be enjoying a peppermint mocha in a decked-out cafe. It could mean having an ugly sweater party with your favorite people. Or maybe it means serving dinner at a local soup kitchen to those in need. Those little moments can end up meaning a whole lot. Seek them out and that holiday magic will still find you.