Confidence expert Caroline Goyder (Image: Lucy J Toms Photography)
Most of us experience some fear in social and work situations, whether it’s worrying about what to talk about, feeling shy or being afraid to contribute.
“However your lack of confidence manifests, it can hold you back – especially at this time of year with all the festivities. But you don’t need to hide in the shadows any longer,” says Caroline Goyder, a voice coach whose TEDx talk on confidence has been viewed over 10.5 million times on YouTube.
“Shakespeare famously wrote that all the world is a stage, and he was right,” she says. “You can stutter and apologise for your presence, or you can step forward with the confidence and poise to star in your life.”
Caroline often uses the analogy of a stage, and it’s fitting given her background. After a degree in English Literature at Oxford University, Caroline taught English at a foreign language for two years whilst studying acting in the evenings at The Poor School, in London.
“I wanted to be an actor, but at drama school I was told that I had no presence, no
confidence and that my voice was thin,” says Caroline. “I was devastated by this feedback and vowed to improve my confidence and help other people battling similar issues.”
So at the age of 30, she went back to school to study for an MA in voice studies at The Royal Central School of Speech and Drama, where she was later offered a teaching role.
“I taught business people, students and professional actors how to find their confidence,” she says.
“Drama teaches skills to deal with shyness. Often actors use these methods in
their everyday life especially in social situations such as parties and premieres.”
After a decade, Caroline set-up her confidence training programme The Gravitas Method and her clients include news anchors and reporters, actors, CEOs, a foreign monarch and TV magicians.
“Stars and top business people have the same insecurities as the rest of us,” says Caroline. “But often because of their roles they have the drive to overcome insecurities, confidence is like a muscle, you must train it so it becomes strong and a part of your personality.”
Whilst those in the public eye might find it easier to mingle, a recent study of 2,000 Britons discovered that 88 per cent find chatting to strangers difficult. A third of people even agreed that small talk is “one of the worst things ever” according to the research for First Bus.
“Since the pandemic and the boom in working from home, I’m meeting more people who say their social skills are rusty,” says Caroline.
“But, honestly, I can tell you that confidence is learned, not innate. There’s no such thing as being born confident.
“Just practise, use your voice and your body day in and day out, and you will overcome your nerves and shine like the star you deserve to be.”
Here are Caroline’s tips for boosting your confidence in various settings.
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Chatting at a party
Small talk isn’t something to be afraid of, one way to initiate a chat with someone you don’t know well, or a stranger, is to find a common thread by asking a question. “How do you know the host?” or “Have you visited this venue before” – listen to their reply and ask more questions.
Eventually, the other person should ask you a question, and that’s a conversation. Ignore any critical inner voice, think only positive things about yourself and smile. If you’re radiant people will be drawn to you.
Going out with a new friend
Meeting up with a new friend for coffee can be nerve-racking, especially if your social skills are rusty. There’s a temptation to talk and fill any silence, but that will make you look like you’re lacking in confidence.
Instead, don’t dominate the conversation, pause after speaking and give your new friend a chance to contribute. This pausing will give you the appearance of poise and grace.
Don’t overshare either, it can make you look inappropriate. You don’t have to tell this
person about every aspect of your life immediately.
Talking in front of an audience
Practice is key for boosting confidence regarding any public speaking. But don’t make the mistake of videoing yourself, instead record your presentation using a mobile app like Voice Recorder.
Speak the presentation aloud and then listen back to your recording. Often when people speak they use different words to what’s written, listening back will give you a chance to tweak difficult phrases or terminology and stop you stumbling over your words on the day.
Also, slow down, practice following the rule of one breath per sentence. Inhale, speak a sentence (using the exhale) then pause, breathe in and start again.
Joining a club
It can be daunting joining a new group, but tell yourself, “I will stay for 10 minutes, if I don’t like it I can leave”. The truth is, once you’ve made it through the doors and into the yoga class, book club or whatever event you’re joining, it won’t seem so scary.
Often at clubs, people are kind and will introduce themselves and ask you your name, or make space for you. Also, the aspect of the “club” means that you already have a shared interest and the activity will provide a common ground.
Hosting a Zoom meeting
Stand up, put your computer on an ironing board or table. This takes away the psychological association of looking up, which can trigger feelings of insecurity.
Don’t slouch, a confident posture portrays confidence. You may feel intimated by the
number of people on the Zoom call, so imagine you’re speaking to just one person and look at the camera!
And don’t forget to prepare your agenda, which will stop you from appearing flustered. If possible, email a couple of participants a few days beforehand to gain a sense of events so there’s no surprises on the day, again helping you to maintain poise and appear confident.
Meeting parents at the school gates
You don’t know these people so keep your conversation positive, a good tip for appearing confident in any social setting. Avoid discussing the school or other parents in a derogatory way – negativity suggests a lack of confidence, and it’s draining for others.
Instead, keep your chat to superficial levels: small talk about upcoming school trips, PTA events and homework. You may develop deeper friendships with some people, but let them happen organically and until then, keep things light.
Find Your Voice: The Secret to Talking with Confidence in Any Situation, £12.99 (Vermillion) is out now; for more, visit @carolinegoyder on