I’m a Celebrity has become TV’s answer to Groundhog Day — it’s always the same

At the start of this year’s I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here, Danny Jones said he was “very nervous” about taking part. “It’s a fear of the unknown,” he said. Is it Dan? What exactly is unknown about this show? You go on it, get showered in defenceless bugs, eat disgusting grub, drink fermented fish guts and get paid a nice fat fee.

It’s TV’s answer to Groundhog Day. Every year it’s the same. It’s slime and grime, tears and fears, airheads and bad beds. Always.

The last new idea the producers had was having some of the contestants arriving by parachute from the heavens – a twist they nicked from Drop! The Celebrity.

And each series the most likeable contender – Jill Scott, Joe Pasquale, Carl Fogarty, Tony Blackburn – wins, and goes on to scoop even more rewards, all for doing the odd five-minute trial.

I’m fairly confident easy-going, can-do McFly lead guitarist Danny will join that prestigious list of kangaroo-testicle-chomping champions next month.

In fairness, this current run has got people talking. And mostly they’re saying “Who’s he?” “Never heard of her” and “What the hell has Tulisa done to her lips?”

By an unhappy coincidence, the two unknowns are also the most irritating – sobbing scaredy-cat Dean McCullough, a Radio 1 DJ, and screeching GK Barry (no idea) who squawked hysterically when a leaf got stuck on her hands.

In his defence, Dean does seem rather better at getting his more famous campmates to open up than my old colleague, tabloid columnist Jane ‘Less is’ Moore of Loose Women fame.

Genuine grief was unburdened around the campfire. Former world featherweight boxing champion and all-round good egg Barry McGuigan spoke movingly about the tragic death of his daughter Danika, just five short, heart-breaking weeks after she was diagnosed with bowel cancer in 2019.

Coleen Rooney, long-suffering wife of football legend Wayne, talked about the death of her younger sister Rosie, and Oti Mabuse opened up about her brother’s suicide…

Um, isn’t this supposed to be light entertainment?

Later Danny revealed he’d suffered with his social anxiety issues; Dean had a sobbing meltdown about sand at the Sarcophagus trial; and Tulisa revealed she hasn’t had sex for three years. Would she get more offers if people could still recognise her?

ITV paid Coleen a reported £1.5mill to spill the beans on Wayne and/or her WAG rival Rebekah Vardy.

Money well-spent? You decide. So far we’ve learnt that the couple went to the pictures for their first date, “But had a kiss around the church first.” Blessed are the flexible I suppose.

And that he writes her poems. In fact here’s one he might have written about the ageing escort he once dallied with: ‘Coleen I am so sorry, I had a one-night stand/I paid a bit of money to get off with a gran/She wore a rubber catsuit, took out her teeth as well/Next time we’ll go alfresco/Down by the ship canal…’

There have been a few decent laughs of course. On the first night Danny had a serpent slither into his boxer shorts – a real trouser snake. He hasn’t changed his boxers since and probably stinks like a blocked dunny.

Dean McCullough thought Portuguese football manager Jose Mourinho was Egyptian.

And on ITV2’s after-show, Joel Dommett said of Dean: “It’s very hard for his face to drop with all that Botox.”

Joel’s co-presenter Kemi Rodgers was talking about Dean and GK’s water-tank task when she revealed: “I would have preferred it on the bottom, I always do.” Good to know.

Ant & Dec have seemed cheekier than usual but they must be self-censoring about Oti’s magnificent assets. Let’s just say if the farmers’ protest creates a milk crisis, she would probably be nationalised.

Midweek, Love Island alumni Maura Higgins and vicar/ex-Communard Richard Coles arrived in the threadbare rival camp called Jungle Junkyard. Maura will certainly improve the shower shots, but do we really need yet another calm voice of sanity?

I would rather watch a useless and/or disgraced former politician getting pelted with kangaroo dung.

Meanwhile, Dean’s search for a backbone continues.

*Coleen wasn’t worried about venomous snakes. She knows Rebekah’s still in England.

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Who was the loser in Jake Paul vs Mike Tyson fight? Anyone who watched it.

You felt the warmth for Iron Mike from that 70,000 AT&T Stadium crowd in Dallas, but hopes that he could rekindle the seeds of his greatness were as unrealistic as Ed Miliband’s energy policy.

There was no drama, no close calls and certainly none of the excitement of Ireland’s Katie Taylor’s rematch points victory over relentless Puerto Rican Amanda Serreno on the undercard.

Ailing Tyson, three decades past his prime, landed 18 punches across eight largely underwhelming rounds. Anyone trying to watch it live might have been grateful for the buffering.

So who is the next opponent for trash-talking former YouTuber Jake? David Attenborough? Ken Barlow? The surviving cast members of Cocoon? Bring it on. That $40million purse won’t last him forever.

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Random irritations: questions on The Chase getting harder when the contestant is brighter than average. Dimwits and dullards on decaying and surely doomed Big Brother. Colour-blind casting on Wolf Hall. And Have I Got News For You giving the government an easy ride, week in, week out.

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Small joys of TV: Oti singing along to Bon Jovi in the ITV jungle, the return of Cobra Kai (), Bill Maher’s closing rant on Real Time (Sky Comedy) and Mark Rylance – utterly brilliant on BBC1’s spell-binding Wolf Hall.

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GB News is regularly beating News and Sky News in the ratings. Could it be because no other TV channel would debate the madness of politicians in a country with an insane approach to energy (and food) security, and a pitiful level of defence spending, continuing to rattle imaginary sabres?

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Garry’s Goof. Declan Donnelly was talking about helicopters on I’m A Celeb when he asked “When was the last time you saw five Australian choppers on screen at the same time?”

Not sure Dec, The Full Monty Down Under?

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