As a single adult with a big extended family, I consider myself a true expert on the “kids table.” These secondary seating areas appear at many holiday dinners and other big seasonal gatherings, and while one might think that only kids will be assigned to the “kids table” (it’s right in the name, after all!), some hosts decide to use this section as a catch-all for any guest who isn’t a partnered adult. So single grownups, college students and high-schoolers are all fair game for “kids table” placement.
I can’t say that I mind spending Thanksgiving dinner having heated debates about “Bluey” with my toddler nieces, but the very nebulous rules around kids tables at holiday events made me wonder whether these separate areas are really the best way to integrate pint-sized guests into a festive party.
So I decided to ask a group of experts — event planners, etiquette pros and child therapists — what they think about “kids tables,” whether they recommend these arrangements for kids of all ages and what households with limited seating space can do as an alternative. Here’s what they had to share.
Kids tables can be a fun way to give younger guests independence.
“Having a kids table at a family holiday event can be a fantastic opportunity for kids to connect and build their own relationships and even gain a sense of independence,” said Claire Weinberg, founder and child therapist at Little Minds Therapy in Bethesda, Maryland.
If you’re wondering how to make the kids table experience as positive as possible for your young guests, check out this advice from Amy Abbott, the founder, owner and creative director of Amy Abbott Events: “For larger events, dividing kids tables by age is a great idea. For example, if the host’s children are involved, each can have their own table with friends and family of a similar age. We’ve done this often, even creating special menus tailored to the different age groups.”
Another tip from Abbott involves thinking of ways to keep kids occupied and entertained during the dinner portion of the event. “For events with younger kids (13 and under), creating separate spaces where they can engage in fun activities is a modern approach that works well. We’ve done pizza-making stations, custom burger bars, taco stations and even gingerbread house decorating for holiday events. It transforms the occasion into an experience for the children, ensuring they enjoy themselves just as much as the adult guests,” Abbott told us.
When spatial concerns prevent you from setting up multiple kids tables or activity stations, Abbott said, “you can still make the experience fun by incorporating crayons, coloring books or simple, non-messy crafts at the table. This helps keep children engaged during mealtime. In this scenario, kids should sit with their immediate family so parents can manage behavior and ensure everyone enjoys the gathering.”
On the other hand, seating kids among the adults together can help kids learn social skills.
Instead of separating kids from the herd during holiday dinners, many of our surveyed experts recommended mixing age groups together. “Separating children from adults is not what I would consider a best practice. Adults act as models for a host of things, including eating behaviors, social emotional skills (e.g., turn-taking in conversation), language (vocabulary, family stories and lore), and even fine motor skills (‘Don’t eat with your hands. Use your fork!’),” explained Joy Kennedy, developmental psychologist and researcher at the Education Development Center.
Kristi Spencer, an etiquette instructor and founder of The Polite Company, agreed, adding that “when kids join the main table, they bring fresh energy, and it’s an excellent chance for them to practice social skills like having conversations and using their table manners. By skipping the kids table, we allow children to learn from the adults around them while also giving adults the opportunity to engage with the kids, making the gathering more meaningful. Plus, kids rarely bring up politics, which is especially refreshing this year.”
If large get-togethers aren’t the norm for your family, a big holiday dinner could be stressful for the kids. Weinberg offered some advice on how to deal with that situation: “Ensuring that your young child is happy and comfortable during a large family holiday event depends on a few key factors. For some kids, large gatherings can feel overwhelming, and if that’s the case, preparing them in advance can make a big difference. It can be helpful to talk to your child before the event about what they might experience and to discuss anything they may need to feel comfortable and safe. For some children, being integrated with the adults table can make it difficult to participate in long conversations. In these situations, consider preparing them with a few ideas for how they might interact. It also might be a good idea to bring along a quiet activity they can enjoy while waiting as the adults chat.”
Whatever you do, don’t stick solo adults at the kids table … and be thoughtful about teenagers.
That whole thing that I mentioned before about using the kids table as a junk bin for any unpartnered guests regardless of age? The pros all agree that this isn’t a viable solution and it doesn’t reflect well on you as a host.
“Avoid seating adults at the kids table whenever possible, unless it’s a grandparent or parent who is fully aware they’ll be helping with the children. Otherwise, it could offend the adult guest,” warned Abbott.
When it comes to teenagers, it can seem logical to put them at the same table as younger children, but it’s important to remember that this won’t necessarily make the teens feel included. “Teenagers seated at the kids table may feel a lack of respect from parents, caregivers or family members organizing the gathering. They often do not feel recognized as individuals with the autonomy to contribute to adult conversations. Additionally, depending on the age range of those present, teens at the kids table may be limited in the conversations they can have with younger children. If they are the oldest at the table, they might also feel pressured to take on caregiving responsibilities or manage the behaviors of the younger kids. This situation is ultimately contradictory; they receive the message that they are not quite old enough to engage with adults, yet they are expected to care for children,” said Morgan Daffron, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in New York City.
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There can also be some gender-related complications with delegating supervision of the kids table to a teenager. Kennedy pointed out that female teens are generally put in this position more often than their male counterparts, and “if a girl is chosen [for this task], it also reinforces outdated notions of female vs. male roles in child care.”
So what can you do instead? According to Cameron Forbes, founder of Forbes Functions in New York City and the Hamptons, “the key here is balance. For teens and preteens, one solution is to create a ‘middle table’ that combines older kids and younger adults, giving them an option that feels more adult without the pressure of sitting with parents or younger siblings. Another option is letting them have some say in their seating or the design of the [kids] table itself — maybe they help set it up, or they have some input on decorations or menu items. It’s also important to acknowledge their place in the family — subtle things like giving them their own place cards, letting them order special drinks, or even assigning ‘guest of honor’ seats can go a long way in making them feel included rather than responsible,”
If you can’t accommodate one large table at your holiday gathering, get creative with your seating arrangements.
Many holiday dinner hosts struggle to fit their whole family at one single table due to space limitations. Luckily, there are plenty of ways to make all of your guests feel comfortable and satisfied for the dining portion of the event.
“If space doesn’t allow for a single large table, think about setting up zones with cozy seating areas instead of assigned tables,” Forbes suggests. “One approach is a ‘lounge-style’ setup with several smaller tables or even sofa-style seating, which can make the gathering feel casual and connected without any table hierarchy. Another idea is to arrange the tables by mixing family members from different age groups, ensuring no table feels like the kids table. Buffet-style service can also help avoid the pressure to sit in one spot. If kids and teens get to serve themselves or visit food stations, the meal feels more fluid and relaxed — a win for everyone, especially in tight quarters.”