The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week (Sept. 28-Oct. 4)

My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud

*opened popsicles

— meghan (@deloisivete) September 29, 2024

3yo is absolutely devastated any time we talk about a time before he was born. “But where was I!?”

— rohit (@krishnanrohit) September 29, 2024

Having a nice dinner with the family and my son asked me “Truth or dare?” so obviously I chose truth as the safer option, and he said “Who do you have a crush on aside from Dad?” and everyone went silent and stared at me accusingly.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) September 29, 2024

My child-free colleagues asked what I was looking forward to this weekend and instead of saying grocery shopping alone I made up some bullshit band name and one of them pretended to know them

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) September 28, 2024

Guys night out, but it’s just me and my neighbor rolling out our garbage bins at the same time.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) September 28, 2024

My 6-year-old asked where the music goes after we listen to it. I didn’t know whether to go into how sound waves travel, or explain that music isn’t tangible in the way he might think. Maybe this is just a philosophical question. Where DOES the music go?

— Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 (@Tobi_Is_Fab) October 1, 2024

My kid said all moms are body builders cause you literally build bodies so I bumped up his allowance.

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) October 1, 2024

*My kids’ Lego building fell over*

First born: I’m very upset about this.

Second born: FUCK.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) October 1, 2024

My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.

I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) October 3, 2024

My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) September 29, 2024

You bought my kid slime? I thought we were friends.

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) September 29, 2024

It has been raining for a week straight. I was the first dad out there today who mowed. Now I get to sit on the patio sipping bourbon, watching the rest of them scramble.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 2, 2024

My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.

— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) September 28, 2024

Tiktok mom influencers love making full minute videos of how their two year olds have been “screen free since birth”. I just don’t think this is a flex if your toddler has a ring light in their face all day

— scary sarah (@sarahradz_) September 30, 2024

Caught my 3yo putting deodorant on her mermaid Barbie.

Her: She stink in that water with them fish.

— Princess | Mindfulness | Conscious Parenting (@themultiplemom) September 30, 2024

Toddlers are wild. Imagine fighting someone over eating food and taking naps.

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) September 29, 2024

Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.

Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤

— MommyingHard (@MommyingHard) October 1, 2024

Drove by a daycare and my 4-year-old said “That’s where I used to go.” I told her she’s never gone to daycare and she asked “Then who took care of me?” and I said “I did” if any parents were wondering if anything they do matters.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 1, 2024

My favorite is when my son begs me to take him to Target so he can buy something with his own money & then when we get in line he says, “Are you really gonna make me use my own money?”

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) October 1, 2024

jd vance gives off the vibe that he refers to it as “babysitting” when he’s watching his own children and “helping” when he’s cleaning his own house

— Erin “Skeleton Factory” Ryan (@morninggloria) October 2, 2024