Keir Starmer could be replaced by another dull politician (Image: PA)
is so boring that I worry he’ll send the nation to sleep and change it irrevocably before we wake up.
I’m only half-joking. There’s something incredibly worrying about smartly dressed politicians who hide behind a perception of calm authority.
Obviously, Drear Starmer’s efforts at placidity have now shattered after a sustained assault from his own stupidity stretching from free specs to finding himself in a box at one of the quietest football stadiums in the world. He was attempting to return books at the time.
So dead is any claim he had on calm, that there are rumblings of his replacement. And who better to boot out the borebot than Rachel Reeves?
She has some punch about her. You have to if want to bulldoze any hopes for the economy as soon as you come into power. But ultimately, like many modern-day British politicians, she is insufferably dull.
Why do I say this? Because I feel that strongly about anybody who even considers raising the duty on alcohol. To do so is either money-grubbing (boring), puritanical (very boring) or health-obsessed (insufferably boring).
Whatever the reasoning, if does force me to pay more for my Guinness, I fear I’ll be haunted by the realisation that she’s still in power when I most likely hoped a few drinks would help me forget.
Perhaps that’s her plan: to make us think of her and the whenever we valiantly choose to support struggling pubs. I’d imagine that’d be enough to put anyone off drink.
Somebody should tell the interfering dullards that run the Labour Party that there is a hidden danger in this masterplan. Which is that we’ll just drink more in the hope that a greater volume of works its magic on memory if we’re only willing to try.
Who knows? Rachel Reeves might save pubs after all. But I’d much rather she figures out a way to do this without increasing the price of a £6.70 pint (yes you read that right, yes it was in London, no the pub isn’t very nice).
Making ordinary people pay more for small comforts is about as imaginative as politicians get nowadays. They’re a boring bunch and they shall always be so until the public and press are willing to tolerate an interesting person governing the UK again.
Instead we could face, in the near future, sedation at the hands of a woman so tedious she snapped up the opportunity to watch Adele for free. See? Even her sleaze is dull. Couldn’t she have had an affair like John Major? The only vaguely interesting thing she’s done in politics is forcing the taxpayer to pay for her heating then snatching the from 10million pensioners. You have to admit, the self-serving avarice of that is darkly comic.
For now at least, the future is not bright. The future is Labour.