“Can I call you Mom?” my 6-year-old bonus daughter asked, smiling up at me with her big brown eyes.
The question took me by surprise. Time froze as my boyfriend, her father, and I looked at each other, jaws agape.
We’d only been dating for six months, and we waited a while before introducing me to his kids from a previous relationship. The kids and I bonded fast, and before I knew it, we had an insta-family.
But neither of us saw this question coming.
Earlier that week, there was an incident between Little Mama and her mom.
“Raven is better! She lets me do whatever I want!” Little Mama yelled. When her mom called her ex, my partner, crying, I knew we had to nip that behavior in the bud.
I hated the idea of anyone comparing my bonus daughter’s mom to me. We are not adversaries or competitors. There’s nothing but respect between us, and I know my lane. She’s the mom and the primary parent. I’m the bonus mom — the parental back-up if you will.
We are not adversaries or competitors. There’s nothing but respect between us, and I know my lane. She’s the mom and the primary parent. I’m the bonus mom — the parental back-up if you will.
My job as a bonus mom is to love and support my bonus kids and their parents. It’s also my job to protect the quality and integrity of the kids’ relationships with their biological parents. And that’s what I was going to do.
Little Mama was nuzzled up to me on the couch, waiting for her answer. My heart was so full, and every fiber of my being wanted to say yes! But this wasn’t about me. This was about my bonus daughter and her mother. I knew that letting Little Mama call me Mom wasn’t the right thing to do.
“No, baby,” I said. “I love you. But you have a great mom, and I don’t think calling me Mom would be respectful to her.”
A look of disappointment briefly crossed her face before she smiled and went back to playing.
Something kept nagging at me, though. Both of Little Mama’s biological parents are deeply involved and they’re great co-parents. So why was she wanting to call me Mom? I sat her down a little later and asked my bonus daughter why she wanted to call me Mom. Her response wasn’t what I expected.
“I want to have two moms,” she declared. And that’s when it started to click.
It wasn’t that Little Mama preferred me over her mother, and she wasn’t looking to replace her mom — it just made her feel safer and more supported to have a mother figure with her wherever she was.
That got my wheels turning.
“If you don’t want to call me Raven, instead of calling me Mom, why don’t you pick a special name for me that you like?” I proposed.
Little Mama thought that was the coolest idea (but I definitely had to course-correct a few names that sounded like complicated fantasy pets or pregnant Mrs. Potatohead names).
Eventually she settled on Nene.
Having a special name for me made Little Mama feel closer to me without being disrespectful or hurtful to her mother. It also made it more clear what my role in the family was. I’m not the mom.
And the truth is, I haven’t earned the title of mother. While I love my bonus kids like my own and I am part of their parenting team, I haven’t put in the effort and time that befits a mom-type title.
When my partner and I talked later, I asked him if he was OK with how I handled the situation. He nodded. He was so taken aback by Little Mama’s question, he didn’t know what to say in the moment. But I knew there was no way he’d want to do anything that could potentially harm the relationship between Little Mama and her mom.
Throughout our relationship, he’s praised his former partner for being a great mother. It’s impressive to see two people consciously co-parent, and they’ve done an incredible job being a unified front for the kids.
When I came into the picture, I was grateful that they had a solid co-parenting relationship, and we all agreed to co-parent under the “one family” philosophy: Even though we’re two different houses, we’re one unit. We have the same rules in both houses, and we have open discussions about the different challenges (and successes) we’re having with the kids. Our family unit collaborates on possible solutions and ways to support the kiddos so there’s more consistency between “Dad’s house” and “Mom’s house.” It’s made parenting a lot easier because no one is in it alone, and there’s always another adult to be supportive.