A mom who has her 12-year-old son take her on “dates” says she’s teaching him to treat women respectfully.
“I want (my son) to be a breath of fresh air to any woman,” Melissa Ann Marie, 31, tells TODAY.com.
The San Diego mom shared an Instagram video following her and her son on a monthly “date:” Dinner, a movie and dessert. Some opined that framing the mother-son evening as a “date” was weird, but more said it was sweet.
“GRWM (Get ready with me) for a date with my boy,” Melissa, who asked that her last name be withheld to protect her family’s privacy, captioned her video that she posted on Instagram. “Basically you give them an allowance ($50) and they take you out on a date. The idea is you are prepping them for how to take a girl out on a date in the future so they aren’t completely lost when the time comes. So you help them along the way with how to plan and execute a date and you teach them basic etiquette and manners.”
Melissa explained in the video, “It’s really nice because we get to spend thoughtful, intentional time together — but the catch is that I make him plan it.”
The mom hopes her son learns that dates with future romantic partners should be creative.
“I know that $50 is not a lot of money to plan a date but that’s the point of all of this,” Melissa said in the video. “You don’t need a lot of money to plan something special.”
In her caption, Melissa recapped her son’s lessons: Consider others’ preferences, open doors, walk in unison, pull out chairs, communicate with servers and budget money.
“I can’t wait to do this again!” wrote Melissa. “Trying to teach my boy all of these things so he can be the best partner for someone someday.”
Melissa’s video got a mixed response on Instagram.
- “My dad would take me and my sisters on Dad Dates and show us how men should treat a woman.”
- “Gonna end up with a weird Freudian co-dependency doing this. A boy’s father should be teaching him how to treat women, with maybe some help from mom, but definitely not by repeatedly having him take his mommy out on dates ….”
- “Someone’s daughter is going to be very appreciative that you did this.”
- “I used to do this with my boys every other week. Now they are 18 and 15.5 with girlfriends who they are SO good to …”
- “She’s gonna get pissed when he grows up and starts dating other women instead of her.”
- “People get upset when parents don’t teach their sons how to treat women but then also get upset when a mom teaches her son how to treat women. She’s obviously not sexualizing her kid. She’s teaching him how to be a thoughtful gentleman so he knows how to treat people later on. And if you’re tripping over her using the word ‘date,’ just remember kids have playdates all the time and y’all don’t consider that sexualized.”
- “Why call it a DATE???”
Melissa tells TODAY.com the word “date” is appropriate. “We are practicing for a date … I want to raise him to be respectful.”
As a single mom, adds Melissa, “I’ve had my fair share of experiences with men … I know what women want and look for in a partner.” And as a parent, she says, “We set up our kids for … school and take them to sports — but what about social skills?”.
Melissa says people who have a problem with her tradition just don’t understand.
“A lot of people don’t know what it’s like to have a healthy, open communication system with a parent,” she says. “My son and I talk about everything.”
Melissa says she was motivated, in part, from a heart-to-heart with her son about the “dating” happening at his school. “Kids their age don’t know what to do with their relationships,” she explains.
Melissa and her son have been on five dates. On earlier excursions, she says he needed reminders to not walk ahead of his mom and to ask where she preferred to sit in the movies.
“We should be raising our boys to be strong men who respect women and treat them well,” says Melissa, adding, “if not me, then who is going to do it?”
According to Francyne Zeltser, clinical director of mental health and testing services at Manhattan Psychology Group, the practice is a good idea but the semantics of the word “date” might cause misunderstanding.
“Perhaps renaming it with a term that doesn’t suggest romance would be better received,” Zeltser tells TODAY.com in an email, suggesting “quality time” or “night on the town.”
“Spending quality, one-on-one ‘special time’ with your child is a well-supported concept in parenting research,” Zeltser tells TODAY.com. “It’s an excellent tool for fostering a healthy, positive relationship between parents and children and encouraging emotional development. Special time refers to a designated period where the parent engages one-on-one with the child, focusing entirely on the child’s interests without distractions. This time is typically child-directed, allowing the child to choose the activity while the parent provides undivided attention. Activities can range from playing games or reading books to more creative endeavors.”
The “date night” described by Melissa is a version of that special time during which “the child plans the evening by selecting activities and managing funds,” says Zeltser.
According to Zeltser, social skills are not intrinsic for every child, and some may learn better through explicit instruction or observation and interaction.
“Kids can develop social skills through feedback, modeling, role-playing, and direct instruction,” she says. “If socializing is an area of growth for a child, providing opportunities to learn and practice these skills in a supportive, safe environment can be incredibly helpful. The same principle applies to dating, which is a specific type of social skill.”
Parents can also educate kids without dates, says Zeltser.