In the shadow of our bustling lives lies a silent epidemic. Anxiety disorders, as the World Health Organization reports, reign as the world’s most common mental disorders. The roots of anxiety can often be traced back to our earliest years, with the Mental Health Commission of Canada revealing that 70 per cent of those grappling with mental illness first encounter symptoms in childhood. Approximately 1.2 million Canadian youth navigate the complexities of mental illness, a number that surges to 7.5 million by age 25.
Anxiety has become normalized, dismissed as mere stress or overthinking. Yet the disorder is more than everyday stress. It plunges individuals into a state of inner turmoil over anticipated events. A certain amount of anxiety, however, is normal, says Olds-based psychologist Dr. Jody Carrington.
“We all have it. It’s our natural response to situations we don’t have a script for,” she says.
Anxiety becomes worrisome when it starts to interfere with daily functioning. Anxiety can feel overwhelming and all-consuming. Physically, it can cause stomachaches, headaches or a racing heart. Individuals suffering from anxiety might avoid certain situations and find it hard to calm down. Unlike nervousness, anxiety can make the world feel unpredictable and unsafe, trapping individuals in their thoughts and fears.
Now is a good time to evaluate if children haven’t adapted to the new school year, noting appetite changes, difficulty with sleep or refusal to go to school and activities.
“We need to manage anxiety when it oversteps its boundaries. We need that alert system, but when it steps out of line, it becomes a problem. That’s where we need to learn how to regulate our emotions,” says Dr. Caroline Buzanko, a Calgary psychologist
There are many effective strategies caregivers can employ to help children manage anxiety. Still, it’s important to understand that anxiety happens at a neurophysiological level, involving a complex interaction between the brain and the nervous system.
“It really isn’t conscious when kids are getting chippy, refusing to go to school or throwing up. It’s so much out of their control, and yes, it gets frustrating,” admits Carrington.
You’ve probably heard the advice about taking deep breaths, journaling, and clearing the mind, which can be helpful proactively. But it’s unlikely kids can access those strategies when they’re in a state of anxiety.
“We need to get the body back online,” says Carrington. She recommends gently putting a cold pack on the back of their neck and encouraging them to wiggle their toes and drop their shoulders.
“Then we start to access strategies like using your words and asking them what we need to do next,” she advises.
Buzanko agrees: “We need to stop talking. They’re probably not listening anyway. We can validate in the heat of the moment, but we have to put it back on the kids, asking open-ended questions like, so what’s next? This shows confidence that they’re going to be able to figure it out. Learning how to self-soothe and regulate their own emotions are skills kids need to learn.”
Being emotionally regulated and resilient isn’t something anyone is born with. These are abilities built through exposure.
“If I’m going to tell parents anything, it’s to stop coddling kids, stop accommodating kids and getting them to do things on their own,” says Buzanko. She recommends revisiting what you did as a kid that your kids aren’t doing. Think about why your child isn’t packing their school lunch, ordering for themselves at a restaurant or getting their driver’s licence.
“We’re always trying to protect our kids from feeling things, but they need to learn how to manage disappointment or embarrassment. The distorted thought is, “I can’t handle whatever it is.” It’s through experiences they’re going to start reframing that thinking to realize it’s not an emergency; they can cope and figure out what to do,” says Buzanko.
Caregivers can make it mandatory for their children to do something challenging daily. Buzanko’s family would celebrate a mistake of the day around the dinner table, sharing what they did in the situation and what was learned. She suggests brainstorming with your children about how they can stretch themselves and putting those ideas into a bravery jar. Then, one action is performed each day.
“Kids learn through experience, so it’s every day working on hard things and stretching out of their comfort zone. We don’t give our kids enough credit, which is the problem at the end of the day.”
The other problem is us. Adults need to ensure their anxiety isn’t in the way.
“Environment is the biggest contributor to anxiety. Parents model their own anxious behaviour. They’re tending to their anxiety by accommodating their kids all the time. It’s a double whammy,” warns Buzanko.
Nothing else matters other than this, says Carrington: “Calm people, calm people. If the big people aren’t OK and we don’t start to take charge of our emotional regulation, our kids don’t stand a chance. Emotional regulation and staying calm in times of distress are the greatest things we’ll ever teach our children.”
But cut yourself some slack. We’re the first generation of parents who’ve had to navigate the consequences of smartphones, social media and being accessible 24/7 via email or text by our employers. Unfortunately, we’re still playing by a set of rules established for a world that no longer exists.
“We’re still trying to parent and educate how it’s always been done, but in the past 20 years, so much has changed. The first stop should always be how we’re looking after ourselves. Because if we’re OK, our babies will be, too.”